Pokémon Alpha: the true story!
by Question the Majority
Summary: The TRUE story of Pokémon! Ash is schizophrenic! Everyone hates Tracey! Meowth has a really stupid name! Guest stars aplenty (such as the legendary Mr. T)! And no stupid self-inserts! (PG-13 for language and adult humor... just like a real animé!)
1. Pokémon Alpha: The Obligatory Prologue

**Pokemon Alpha: The Obligatory Prologue**

-=Before our story begins, Officer Jenny steps out into a blank, white screen and clears her throat. The "Dragnet" theme begins to play inexplicably from nowhere=-

Officer Jenny:-=salutes=- The story you are about to read is true. Absolutely nothing has been changed to protect the innocent (however few innocents there are in this tale). Recorded here are the bare, true facts concerning the exploits of the heroes and villains of the well-known "Pokemon" series. Anything else you may have seen on television, in comic books, or in video games has been edited for entertainment purposes. What you are about to see may shock or upset you, but I'm afraid the truth must be told. My name is Officer Jenny... How do I know about all of this? -=pulls out a VERY long list that trails on into eternity=- I've been keeping a rap sheet on these troublemakers for quite some time, -=sighs heavily=- and what an impressive list it is...

**BEGIN!**


	2. Episode 1: Pokémon I Choose You!

Well, my little hopped-up saurkraut peddlers, today I bring you a literary "blast from the past" as it were. This story is a renovated version of the very first fanfic series I ever worked on; and trust me, you don't want to see the originals. Hoo-boy, were they awful! Oh, and fair warning! Many, many, MANY facts are blatantly changed or completely ignored in this series. Why? Because it either makes the story funnier or more interesting. Either way that's how I likes it, so don't come cryin' ta' me! Harumph! So without further ado, I present to you, my future humble worshippers: Pokemon Alpha! So go on, read.

OBEY DR. X! --Dr. X

PS: If I owned the Pokemon characters, I would be a rich fellow... And the series would have ended at the Pokemon Tournament. It just got silly after that point. Well... sillier... Anyway, I don't own 'em. There's a few characters who'll appear later that I own, but you'll be able to tell by the big "Property of Dr. X" tags on 'em.  
--------------

**Pokemon Alpha**  
by the Mysterious Dr. X 

**episode one  
Pokemon - I Choose You!**

Narrator: -= over several panning jump-cuts of a peaceful little town=- Welcome, friends, to Pallet Town! A small, but friendly little town on the southern coast of mystical Kanto Island. What makes Kanto so unique you ask? ... Come on, ask "what makes Kanto so unique?"... Please?... OKAY, FINE! I'M GONNA' TELL YOU ANYWAY! NYEAH! Kanto is the homeland to a race of strange and magical animals known simply as "Pocket Monsters," or "Pokemon" for short. Here, in Pallet, resides Professor Abraham Oak...

-=we're given a nice glimpse of Prof. Oak's laboratory, surrounded by a very long fence in which many odd animals are grazing=-

Narrator: ...a brilliant scientist and inventor known specifically for his study of pokemon... Our story centers, however, on his grandson Ash!

-=suddenly, the camera whips to Ash's home and moves slowly once more once inside the house. We're shown various photos along the wall of a young boy with thick black hair and a woman with long reddish-brown hair pulled into a ponytail=-

Narrator: Yes, Ash Ketchum - A curious, adventurous, headstrong boy with a strong heart and the IQ of a bubble wand. What? You want to hear more about Professor Oak? Too bad! You didn't want to hear about pokemon to begin with, so now you have to hear about Ash! Hah! Nevertheless, our story begins in Ash's room, where our hero is busily preparing for the intense adventure he's about to set out upon!

-=Now that the Narrator has FINALLY ended his boring tirade...=-

Narrator: HEY!

-=...we see inside of Ash's (dimly-lit) room. What we can see of the room is that it's practically rank with cartoon merchandise, the typical unkept piles of clothes, and most-importantly, pokemon merchandise throughout. On the bed, under a sizeable protective layer of blankets upon which light from the window is now beaming upon like a spotlight, is our hero Ash Ketchum... dead asleep...=-

Ash: -=wriggling around uneasily=- rrg... no... no, Mama! I don't wanna' wear the tiny pants!

-=Suddenly, a pokeball-shaped alarm clock pops open, buzzing loudly while an annoying little pidgey figurine starts shriekin' like the dickens in the most irritatingly shrill voice you ever DID hear! (second only to Britney Spears)=-

Ash: POODLES! -=instantly darts his hand out from the blankets, grabs the alarm clock, and heaves it across the room, whereupon it hits the door and explodes on impact=-

Clock: OH WHYYYYyyyyy--!?!

Ash:-=murmur=- that'll stop 'em...

-=Just then the door opens (the camera is focusing on the smoldering remains of the clock). Someone reaches down and picks up the clock, which croaks "Tell Cynthia... I loved her...", then finally expires as scores of tiny little ghosts burst, moaning, from the clock. The camera then scrolls to show Mrs. Ketchum (who obviously picked the clock up). She narrows her eyes and looks accusingly at the mumbling lump of bedding=-

Mrs. Ketchum: Ash...

Ash: Meh...

Mrs. Ketchum: Ash...

Ash: Meh...

Mrs. Ketchum: Ashton Jeremiah Ketchum, get up this instant!

Ash: -=instantly sits bolt-upright with the blanket still over his head=- GAH! Yes, ma'am! -=salutes with only his hand sticking out from under the blanket=-

Mrs. Ketchum: -=leans forward, hands on her hips, dark brown eyes flashing malevolently=- Ash, what have I told you about taking better care of your toys? -=holds up the alarm clock=- You've positively ruined this brand-new clock I just bought for your birthday!

Ash: -=still under the blanket, but apparently seeing all of this=- I had to, Mom! It was making death threats! -=speaks in an eery, scratchy voice and moves his free hand like a puppet mouth=- "Redrum... REDRUM!!!" It was either him or me! -=Mrs. Ketchum grumbles=- Besides, I'm sure Grampa can fix it.

Mrs. Ketchum: You mean like how he "fixed" the toaster?

-=instant flashback=-

~~~~~~~~

-=Ash and his mom are running, screaming from a flaming kitchen=-

Ash: AAAAAAAGH! MOM! HELP!

Mrs. Ketchum: RUN, SWEETIE! RUN BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!

-=A toaster hops out of the kitchen, maniacally shooting burning toast out at all angles=-

Toaster: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE! YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!

~~~~~~~~

-=end flashback=-

Ash: Yeah, what's your point?

Mrs. Ketchum: -=sighs lovingly and shakes her head=- Ash, sweetie, what am I gonna' do with you?

Ash: -=waves his arms around frantically=- Whatever you do, don't dress me in a monkey costume and sell me to an Italian organ grinder!

Mrs. Ketchum: -= giggles and pulls the blankets off of her son's head. Ash is sitting there with his hair sticking out at odd angles and with a look of purely insane terror on his face. As Mrs. Ketchum ruffles his hair, his look instantly changes to one of nearly catatonic boredom (complete with half-closed eyes and tongue hangingout)= -

Mrs.Ketchum:Silly...-=sighs=- You're so much like your father... Always joking around... and LAZY! I think you're the only 10-year-old who's ever actually slept in on his birthday!

Ash: -=opens his eyes extra-wide and goes wall-eyed (like how the Simpsons' eyes go when they yell or something)=- BIRTHDAY! OMIGOSH! THAT'S RIGHT! I'VE GOTTA' GET TO GRAMPA'S LAB!!! -=immediately dashes out of the room, leaving an Ash-shaped dust cloud and the covers hovering slightly in his wake=-

Mrs.Ketchum:-=sighs=- Just like his dad...

-=jump-cut to outside Oak's lab. Leaning against the front fence is a 13-year-old boy with long messy brown hair, deep brown eyes, a long purple t-shirt, and a look of boredom and frustration on his face. around his neck is a yellow and green yin-yang necklace and he's absent-mindedly tossing a red-and-white ball up and down in the air=-

Narrator: This is Prof. Oak's other grandson, Gary Oak. Gary's quite different from Ash... being a child genius who graduated from Harvard at the age of 11, gold medal winner at the annual Pokemon Tournament three times in a row, and he's sane, to boot! Unfortunately, he's also a brat with an ego the size of an elephant with a glandular problem... -=Gary stops for a moment and glares daggers somewhere above the screen (which is where the Narrator always is in a TV show, of course!). He then returns to tossing the pokeball up and down=-

Gary:-=huff=- That little twink, Ash, better show up soon or I'm leaving without him...

Narrator: Speaking of that little twink... where is he anyway?

-=we now see Ash making a mad dash down the road=-

Ash: -=panting and running very fast with his eyes closed=- GAH! How'd I end up sleeping in on my birthday? -=opens his eyes and looks up, almost as if he's trying to look into his own head=- You were supposed to remind me about today, you know!

-=suddenly, a voice similar to Ash's echoes inside his head=-

Voice: Hey, give me a break! Voices in people's heads need to sleep too!

Ash: Geeze, what's the use of being schizophrenic if your voices can't help you at all?

-=we now see from Gary's point of view. Ash appears on the horizon=-

Narrator: Oh! Here's Ash now!

Gary: I can see that for myself...

Narrator: ... I was just--

Gary: Uh-huh. Whatever. Beat it...

Narrator:...fine...-=mumbles=- little brat...

Ash: -=dashes up to Gary, stands up perfectly straight, and salutes=- Ashton Ketchum, reporting for duty, Sergeant Gary Oak, sir! -=collapses from exhaustion (the camera only shows them from waist up, so we just see Ash fall completely out of view)=-

Gary: -=groans and looks down at his cousin=- About time you got here, Ash! I was about to leave on my training without you! -=really irritating, nasal, haughty laugh=- You really made sure to be prepared, didn't ya? Not too many pokemon trainers start off on their first adventure in their pajamas!

Ash: -=instantly pops back up, now dressed in his trademark blue-jean jacket, dark green t-shirt, faded jeans, and red Nike cap=- Pajamas? Watchoo talkin' 'bout, Gary?

Gary: -=making many weird choking, confused sounds while his right eye twitches=- Eh... uh... er... -=folds his arms and closes his eyes while he gets purple anime lines on his forehead and the background goes all purple-like=- Rrrrgh, nevermind! You still need to talk to Gramps and get your starter pokemon!

Ash: -=salutes again with his tongue hanging out=- Hi-keeba! -=marches into Oak's lab, chest puffed out, chin up, and stomping his feet the same way Robot Jones does when he walks. He starts singing some kind of marching tune in a voice reminiscent of the legendary Satchmo (aka Louie Armstrong)=- Haidey-haidey-haidey-ho! Into Grampa's lab Ah go!

Gary: -=watches Ash walk past him=- ... God must really have a sick sense of humor...

-=now we get a peek inside the Professor's lab. Professor Oak is in a poorly-lit (for dramatic purposes) room, hunched over some kind of experiment. The only light in the room is a blue spark from the blowtorch he's apparently using. The lights instantly click on as Ash and Gary enter the room=-

Gary: HEY GRAMPS! ASH IS HERE!

Prof. Oak: AAAAAAAAAAGH! DON'T SHOOT! IT WAS JUST A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY!!!

Gary: -=tilts his head and raises an eyebrow=- ?

Ash: -=waves his hand energetically=- Hi, Grampa!

Oak: Oh! -=takes off his protective goggles to show his sparkling brown eyes=- Hello, Ash! ^_^ And happy birthday!

Ash: Thanks, Grampa! -=hops up to him and looks at the workbench=- Whatcha' workin' on anyway?

Oak: Oh nothing... -=snatches whatever-it-is from the desk before Ash can see it and hides it in one of his labcoat pockets=- Just adding the finishing touches on a new invention...

Gary: -=perks up=- New invention? Let's see it!

Oak: Not yet, Gary! It's still experimental! -=darts his eyes around=- There could be spies lurking all around, ready to steal my idea! -=Ash turns to look at Gary and nods knowingly=-

Gary: ... -=rolls his eyes=- Whatever. You wanna' get around to briefing Ash? I ain't got all day to wait around here!

Oak: Oh, of course! Well, Ash, as you and Gary both know, our home of Kanto is inhabited by magical animals called "Pokemon!" And, when a boy or girl turns 10, they're allowed to set about on their own adventure to become pokemon trainers!

-=Ash and Gary are now sitting on a green sofa that we just didn't notice until now. Ash is eating from a very large bowl of popcorn that we not only didn't notice, but didn't even exist in the room until now=-

Gary: That's great, Gramps. Why are you telling us all the stuff we already know?

Oak: It's plot exposition, Gary! It has to go somewhere! Now! Where was I?

Ash: Pokemon trainers... -=chomps on some popcorn=-

Oak: Right! Of course! Now, a pokemon trainer's job is to find and capture pokemon as pets for the dual purpose of 1) learning more about these still-mysterious animals, and 2) -=suddenly looks absolutely insane=- teaching them to use their amazing gifts to fight against each other in pokemon battles!

Narrator: ... That sounds kind of... inhumane...

Oak: -=looking normal again=- Don't be ridiculous! Pokemon love competing in friendly battles, and of course, a good trainer would never force his pokemon into a fight with the intention to seriously harm either his own, or his opponent's pokemon! ... besides, this is all just based on a video game anyway...

Gary: I thought it was a comic series?

Ash:-=gobble=- Nah. Cartoon series...

Gary: Comic...

Ash: Cartoon...

Narrator: ... what about the movies?

Oak: -=sighs and shakes his head=- Boys, boys... it's based on the movies of the comic books of the cartoons of the video game!

Narrator, Ash, and Gary: -= long pause= -...-=blinkblink=- ... oh...

Oak: Anyway, as a pokemon trainer, you will be honing yours and your pokemon's abilities to ultimately compete in the annual Pokemon League Tournaments, held in Indigo Plateu! Well, now that the boring background plot is out of the way... Who wants to choose their starting pokemon?

Ash: -=hops up and down, waving his hands as the background suddenly turns into a gameshow set=- OOH OOH! ME ME ME!!! PICK MEEEEE!!!

Oak: Alright, then! Let's introduce our three lucky, eager young pokemon to today's hopeful trainer! Narrator, would you do the honors?

Narrator: -=as the wall behind Prof. Oak literally crashes forward with an audible "CRASH!!!", revealing part of the large grazing area with three friendly-looking pokemon standing close to the fence. The Dating Game theme plays=- I'd be glad to, Abe! -=the camera shows a little red baby dragon with a bright flame on the tip of its tail=- Contestant number one is a charmander! A hot-headed, but loyal little dragon who's specialty is fire-based attacks, and loves Summer barbeques!

Charmander: Cha-char! -=waves his paw and giggles adorably=-

Narrator: -=showing a little blue baby dinosaur with a large green flower bulb on his back=- Contestant number two is a bulbasaur! A sturdy, strong-willed little dinosaur with his feet firmly planted on the ground! Bulbasaur's specialty is nature-based attacks and he loves camping out under the stars!

Bulbasaur: -=smiles and hops up on his hind legs=- Burrba! Zoar!

Narrator: -=showing a happy-looking blue turtle with a long, curly tail=- And, last, but not least, is Squirtle! A bubbly baby turtle with water-based abilities, and enjoys long walks on the beach! (Come on. You know I'd say that eventually.)

Squirtle: Squir-squirtle! -=waves shyly and wags his tail=-

Ash: Hrmmmm... -=the unseen audience is all shouting suggestions like "Number 1!" "No! Go for Number 3!" "Go for the Mystery Box!". Gary sighs and shakes his head=- I think I'll choose... -=squeals like a little girl as his eyes get EXTREMELY huge and starry=- I want THAT one! -=points excitedly to a tiny yellow pokemon standing behind the three contestants=-

Oak: Hmm? -=everything returns to (relative) normalcy=- Which one, Ash?

Ash: ^_^ That little yellow bunny! -=hops over the fence and runs to a small yellow rabbit-like pokemon with a tail shaped like a lightning bolt and dark brown stripes across its back=-

Oak:-=blinkblink=- A pikachu?

Gary: -=puts his hands to his mouth and yells=- Ash, you dope! That thing's not even a choice!

Oak: Gary's right, Ash! -=Squirtle, Bulbasaur, and Charmander all look at Ash, then at each other. They huff, fold their arms, then pop a cigarette in their mouths and march off defiantly=- A pikachu isn't the wisest choice for a starting pokemon. They tend to distrust inexperienced trainers, and that one in particular has a rather haughty attitude...

Ash: I don't care! It's the cutest one of 'em all! I want 'im! ^_^ -= picks up the pikachu, which glares hatefully at him, then smiles evilly as it immediately electrocutes the kid=-

Oak:-=gasps=- Ash! -=helps him up=- Are you okay?

Ash: -=eyes rolling around=- I'm fine, Mr. President...

Oak: Hmm... seems sort of delirious...

Gary: What else is new?

-=fade cut to a scene of Ash and Gary leaving Oak's lab=-

Oak: You're absolutely sure you want that pikachu, Ash?

Ash: Sure do! ^_^ He's the best! -= the pikachu is standing by Ash's foot, folding his little arms and grumbling under his breath. The three afore-mentioned pokemon are all gathered around the gate, holding up defamatory signs about the pikachu and declaring their loyalty to the Starter Pokemon Union Local # 834. Gary huffs=-

Oak:-=shrugs=- Well, it's your choice, I suppose... 

Mrs. Ketchum: ASH! WAIT!

-=Ash, the pikachu, Gary, and Prof. Oak all double-blink, then look down the street as Mrs. Ketchum runs up to them, carring a green backpack=-

Mrs. Ketchum: Ash, you little silly! You forgot all of your travel gear! -=hands him his backpack=-

Ash: ^_^; Heh... thanks, Mom! -=takes the backpack and puts it on quickly=-

Mrs. Ketchum: -=looks at the pikachu=- Aw, what a cute little thing! -=the pikachu sticks his tongue out at her=- What's his name, Ash? ^_^

Ash: Oh! I'm calling him Roadkill 'cuz of the stripes on his back! They look like tire marks!

-=everyone looks uneasily at Ash, who has a crooked smile on his face and a weird sparkle in his eyes=-

Roadkill: Pika... -=folds his arms again=- hmmph...

Gary: Okay, great. So can we go now? I've got pokemon to train for my FOURTH Pokemon League victory!

Mrs.Ketchum:-=sighs=- Fine, fine. You're so impatient, Gary! Alright, Ash. You be a good boy now...

Ash: I will, Mom...

Mrs. Ketchum: Listen to what Gary tells you...

Ash: I will, Mom...

Mrs. Ketchum: Change your underwear every day...

Ash:-=whines=- What fun is that?

Mrs.Ketchum:-=giggles=- Have a good time. And be careful! ^_^ -=kisses his cheek=-

Ash: ACK! Mom! Don't do that! I might get an Oedipus Complex! You don't want me to gouge my own eyes out, do you?

Mrs.Ketchum:-=giggles=-

Oak: -=chuckles and smacks Ash's back gently=- Well, you two had better be off before Gary explodes... -=Gary is seen, red-faced, with his right eye twitching again. A tea-kettle is heard whistling very loud (Ever seen the episode of the Simpsons where Moe starts his own family restaurant? It's a lot like the scene where Moe goes crazy!)=- Oh! -=snaps his fingers=- I almost forgot! This is for you, Ash! ^_^ -=reaches into his labcoat and pulls out his invention from before: A tiny red device not unlike an electronic pocket dictionary=-

Ash: WOW! THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY! THANKS, GRAMPA! I DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD GET THESE ON EARTH!

Oak: No, Ash! It's a hand-held electric encyclopedia! A PokeDex(tm) to be exact!

Ash: Aw, but Grampa! I already have a PokeDex(tm)! You gave me one to help me with my homework!

Oak: But this is one I made especially for you! ^_^ It has a new section specifically about pokemon! And it even has an experimental Artificial Intelligence system built into it so that it will actually keep itself up-to-date with current information! -=opens the front cover, showing a display of various buttons and a big (for a hand-held) screen with a happy face on it=-

PokeDex: -=speaking somewhat staccato=- Hel-lo, Ash! I'm Dexter the Po-ke-Dex(tm)! Pleased - to - meet you!

Gary: -=as Ash takes the PokeDex(tm) and starts meddling with the buttons=- Hey! Howcome my PokeDex(tm) doesn't have AI?

Oak: Because I only recently thought of the idea, Gary! Sheesh!

Gary: Okay, but howcome we always have to say the (tm) every time we say PokeDex(tm)? It's annoying!

Oak: I never said you had to!

Gary: ... oh... Okay, well anyway, let's go, Ash! I'm sick of waiting around here!

Ash: ^_^ Kay! Bye, Grampa! Bye Mom! -=hugs them both=- I'll see ya' in a few weeks! -=dashes off after Gary, who's already started walking out of town=- Come on, Roadkill! Let's go!

Roadkill:-=grumbles=- Pi... pikachu, chu... chii... -=stomps off after Ash=-

Mrs. Ketchum: -=watches Ash with a sad look on her face=- You sure Ash will be okay, Dad?

Oak: -=puts a comforting arm around her shoulders=- Now, now, don't you worry, Alaina! Ash will be just fine! Lots of kids his age go on these little adventures every Summer! Besides, he has Gary with him!

Mrs. Ketchum: -=looks up at her father for a second, then watches as her son disappears over the horizon= ...-=sigh=- That's what I'm afraid of...

Narrator: -=over a cliche sunset over which the silhouettes are seen of Gary jogging along, Ash scampering up behind him, and Roadkill grumpily following=- And so begins the true tale of the first journey of Ash Ketchum: Pokemon Master! Many adventures await our young hero, as do some interesting (and eccentric) new friends and foes! Be sure to stay with us as we follow Ash as he becomes the World's Greatest Pokemon Master!

Gary: -=suddenly appears, looming over the screen=- For pete's sake, shut up!!!

Roadkill: -=hops up beside him= -Piii-KA!-=glare=-

Narrator:Okay,okay...-=sighs=- END!

To Be Continued...


	3. Episode 2: Revenge of the Birds

Pokémon Alpha  
by the Mysterious Dr. X  
  
episode two  
Revenge of the Birds  
  
Narrator: -=as the camera pans slowly along a dirt road hedged by the outskirts of a small forest=- Welcome back to Kanto Island for a brand-new Pokémon Alpha adventure! -=we now see a close-up of Gary trudging along with a very, VERY irritated look on his face=- Ash and Gary have just set off on their training journey, so let's join in and watch, shall we?  
  
-=As Gary marches on, very obviously annoyed, we hear Ash's voice singing a very annoying and insipid tune=-  
  
Ash: We're on the road to Viridian City!!! (we'reontheroad, we'reontheroad, we'reonthe--) We're on the road to VIR-ID-I-AN CITYYYY...  
  
Gary: -=shakes in a spasm of rage, then whirls around (with the camera suddenly pulled back to show the two kids and pikachu standing on the previously-mentioned pathway) to flail his fists about and yell at his cousin=- ASH!!! STOP SINGING THAT STUPID SONG!!!  
  
Ash: But we ARE on the road to Viridian City! -=beams ecstatically and picks up Roadkill, hugging him tight=- Our very first stop on this, our first pokémon journey! EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Roadkill: -=gives Ash the most Satanic glare ever to cross God's green earth=- Piiikaaaaa... CHA!!! -=electrocutes Ash and hops out of his hands=-  
  
Ash: -=smoldering with his eyes rolling around in his head=- Don't worry, Captain... I've made sure to seal the marmosets away in their air-locked jacuzzi...   
  
Gary: -=groans and rubs his forehead, signalling the emergence of a full and glorious migraine=- why do you hate me, god...? -=suddenly opens his eyes and gets a grim smile on his face=- ... Hey, Ash...  
  
Ash: -=instantly better, he pops up beside Gary and salutes=- Ja, mein herr?  
  
Gary: -=pauses for just a split-second to gawk at his cousin, then jabs his thumb in the direction of the woods=- I think I just saw a heracross over there...  
  
Ash: -=blinkblink=- Heracross? Hmmm? -=sticks out his lip and gets an incredibly stupid look on his face=- Vas ist das Heracross?  
  
-=a soft little "click-boop!" sound is heard coming from Ash's jacket pocket, then a slightly muffled automated voice=-  
  
Dexter: Al-low me to be - of as-sis-tance, Ash!  
  
Ash: Oh yeah! Dexter! -=yoinks the PokéDex from his pocket and flips the cover open=- Speak to me O source of infinite knowledge, so that I may learn of your otherworldly ways!  
  
Dexter: Heracross: -=the image of a large hercules beetle appears on his monitor=- A rare - and - powerful po-kémon similar in phy-si-cal and e-motion-al stature to the common hercules bee-tle...  
  
Ash: -=drools as his eyes begin to glaze over=- A rare pokémon... -=grins maniacally=- EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Gary: Yeah, Ash! You better go catch it!  
  
Ash: -=shoves Dexter in his pocket and points dramatically toward the forest=- OUTTAMYWAY, GARY! AH'M OFFTA' CATCH ME A BUG!!! -=zooms off, leaving the Ash-cloud again, and leaving Roadkill and Gary behind=-  
  
-=Gary and Roadkill sit there for a few moments and blink at each other=-  
  
Ash: -=rushes back in=- C'mon, Roadie! -=snags Roadkill's tail and runs off again=-  
  
Roadkill: -=clutches to the ground for dear life=- Pika! PIKA! PI-KAAAAAAAAAAA!!! -=the grass tears out from the ground and Roadkill remains motionless for a split-second in which he looks pathetically to the camera and shrugs. He then zips off, pulled along by his owner=-  
  
Gary: -=close-up on him after Ash and Roadkill leave. A hellish light is illuminating his features and behind him is a backdrop of deep purple flame. He taps his fingers together and talks like Mr. Burns=- Exxxcellent... -=talks normally again, but very sinister=- At last I've got that little twerp out of my hair... Once he realizes I'm gone, he'll start crying and running home to his momma... And with him out of the picture, I'm free to continue on to winning the Pokémon Tournament for the 4th time in a row! -=cackles deviously=- I love being evil... -=laughs like a maniac, then stands up and blinks a bit as the lighting returns to normal=- ... Oh right. Run away. -=zips off=-  
  
Narrator: You know, I never liked that kid much... Oh well, let's check in with Ash and that heracross, shall we?  
  
Ash: -=running blindly into the forest=- Don't try anything funny, Heracross! You're mine! I'm going to capture you and force you to compete against your fellow brethren in sick and twisted competitions! Don't that sound like fun? -=just then, he runs headlong into a tree=- D'OOF! -=and falls over on his back, frozen in a stunned position=- Gahhhh...  
  
Roadkill and Narrator: -=wince=- oooohhh...  
  
Ash: -=jumps back up and shakes his head=- Hey! What gives? Where dat ol' heracross?  
  
Dexter: -=having fallen out of Ash's pocket when he tried to bodyslam the tree=- I have reason to believe that your cousin was, as the expression goes "pulling your leg," Ash...  
  
Ash: -=tilts his head and goes wall-eyed=- Duhhhh~?  
  
Dexter: -=sighs=- There is no heracross. Gary was lying. He just ran off, leaving us behind...  
  
Narrator: Wait! There WASN'T really a heracross?  
  
Roadkill: -=raises an eyebrow=- Chapikachu...  
  
Narrator: You shut your mouth, you...  
  
Ash: Oh... -=picks up Dexter and looks curiously at him (it?)=- Hey, howcome you're not talking like a robot anymore?  
  
Dexter: Eh... -=would shrug if he could=-  
  
Ash: Grrr... That stupid Gary... -=shoves Dexter roughly into his pocket=-  
  
Dexter: GAK!  
  
Ash: I'll show him! I don't need that big jerk! -=idly kicks a rock out of the forest area, where there is a loud "clunk" and a "SQUAAAAAAWK!!!". Ash double-blinks=-  
  
Roadkill: Pi? -=tilts his head to one side=-  
  
Ash: Wonder what that was... -=heads back to the dirt road where a mangy little red-and-brown bird is lying, seemingly dead=- Awww... poor little birdy... I didn't mean to kill it... -=sighs sadly, hanging his head. Suddenly he perks up with a psychotic grin on his face=- Oh well! Guess we're havin' fried chicken for dinner!  
  
-=the bird stumbles to its feet, shakes its head, then leers at Ash=-  
  
Ash: -=unenthusiastic=- ... oh, it's alive... yay... -=as the bird hobbles around Ash's feet, flailing its wings madly=- ... what's your deal, anyway?  
  
Dexter: Actually, Ash, that bird in front of you is what's known as a spearow. It's a tiny little creature, but it has an unimaginable mean streak...  
  
Ash: Uh huh. Big deal.  
  
Spearow: Squawk! Squawk! SQUAAAAWK!!!  
  
Ash: -=takes a pokéball=- Cram it, ugly. -=absent-mindedly drops the ball on the spearow, capturing it quickly. Ash picks the ball up, but it rattles about violently, then bursts back open and the spearow is now sitting on his hand with a very evil look in its eyes=-  
  
Spearow: SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWK!!!  
  
Ash: Gah! What?  
  
Dexter: It's a loose translation, but I believe he just said "I'm going to peck your freaking eyes out, you blankety-blank punk kid!"  
  
Ash: Oh... -=long pause=- ... -=blink=- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!! -=takes off running down the path. Roadkill laughs wildly until the spearow gives him the same look and squawk.=-  
  
Roadkill: ... pi -=blasts the spearow, which falls over dead=- Pikachu -=dusts his paws off=-  
  
-=But lo and behold, the spearow struggles back up, wells up a mighty CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! and countless spearows flap out from the forest, headed by one incredibly gigantic orangeish bird with a long needle-like beak. Roadkill takes one look at the birds, droops his ears and tail, bugs his eyes out, squeaks, then takes off after Ash. After catching up with him, Roadkill leaps onto Ash's head, squeaking like mad=-  
  
Roadkill: PIKA! PIKA PIKA PIKA! Pika CHUUUUU! PIKAAAAAAA!!!  
  
Ash: What now? -=turns around to look at the swarm of birds=- AAAAAAAAAAGK!  
  
Dexter: Oh lovely. You've angered a fearow. Well, it's been nice knowing you guys...  
  
Ash: -=shrieks like a little girl and tears off, closely followed by the foul fowl=-  
  
-=Everything goes black=-  
  
Narrator: Well, enough about that. Next scene? -=suddenly, we see a cute, if not a little scrawny 14-year-old redheaded girl fishing and humming pleasantly to herself=- Thank you!  
  
Misty: Get the cool... get the cool shoeshine... -=sighs happily and leans back a bit=- Ah, boy what a great day...  
  
-=suddenly, a 10-year-old boy in a jean jacket and red baseball cap and a pikachu on his head runs past=-  
  
Ash: THE BIRDS!!! THE BIRRRRRDS!!!  
  
Misty: Wha? -=turns around just in time to see Ash run past and knock over her bike=- HEY! -=gets up and grabs her bike before it crashes=- Come back here you little freak! You nearly wrecked my new bike! -=Ash returns instantly with purely insane fear in his eyes=-  
  
Roadkill: PIKA PIKA PIKA!!!  
  
Ash: Hi, you don't mind if we borrow this for a moment do you? Thanks, I knew you wouldn't... -=grabs her bike and tears off with it=-  
  
Misty: HEY! -=as they vanish over the horizon=- THAT'S MY BIKE! GET BACK HERE! WHY I OUGHTTA... -=suddenly, a very large number of brownish birds flies past her, the wind from their beating wings ruffling her bright orange hair=- ...wow... -=blinkblink=- That's a lotta' spearows... -=a chubby little bald man in a suit walks by as a weird little tune plays=-  
  
Narrator: Now back to Ash...  
  
Roadkill: CHA PIKA! CHA PIKA PIKA PIKACHU! (PEDAL, ASH! PEDAL FOR ALL YOU'RE STINKIN' WORTH!!!)  
  
Ash: Ah'm geevin' it all she's got, Roadie! I cannae take mooch morrre!  
  
Dexter: -=sounding very chipper during the whole affair=- Hey, I don't mean to worry you or anything, Ash, but you might want to speed things up. I think those birds really mean to kill you and Roadkill.  
  
Ash: -=very angry=- Yeah, I know, Dexter!  
  
Dexter: And they seem to be gaining on you...  
  
Ash: -=as the birds are now crowded around Ash and Roadkill, pecking their flesh to bloody ribbons=- Really now...?  
  
Dexter: Mm-hmm. Just keepin' you posted, you know. Of course, I suppose I feel less worried about the whole ordeal, not really being able to die or anything, I...  
  
-=Roadkill is flipped off of the bike as they hit a large bump in the path=-  
  
Ash: ROADIE!  
  
Roadkill: PIKA!!!  
  
Dexter: Oh my, would you look at that. Sorry, Roadkill!  
  
-=Seeing a fallen enemy, the spearows quickly turn to Roadkill and begin pecking and clawing savagely at him. Ash leaps off the bike (which keeps rolling, slams into a tree, and bursts into flames for no reason) and rushes to Roadkill=-  
  
Dexter: Ash! Don't be a hero!  
  
Ash: -=fighting and shoving the birds away, receiving a number of deep cuts and gashes that will, of course, heal with no visible scars later on since he's a cartoon character=- Get away from him! I said get away, you stupid birds! -=picks up Roadkill=- Roadkill, are you alright?  
  
Roadkill: -=horribly bloody=- PiIIiIiiIiii... (I dunno, does seeing a bright tunnel of light and hearing the voices of dead relatives count as "alright"?)  
  
Ash: -=holds Roadkill close=- Don't worry, Road. It's gonna' be alright. Just trust me, okay?  
  
Dexter: How do you know it's going to be alright?  
  
Ash: It just will. That's what Mom always says to me when bad things happen.  
  
Dexter: How do you know she's not just lying?  
  
Ash: ... Is this really a good time for this kind of discussion?  
  
Dexter: -=shrugging voice=- Eh... Oh hey. Look out, by the way...  
  
Ash: What? -=looks around, realizing that the spearows are backing off=- ^_^ Hey! They're going away!  
  
Voice: SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWK!!!  
  
Ash: -=looks up to see the fearow zooming down at him, fully intending to kill=- AAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! WE'RE GONNA' DIE! WE'RE GONNA' DIE!!!  
  
Roadkill: PIKAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! -=clings to Ash=-  
  
Dexter: -=singing merrily=- We all live... in a pokémon world...  
  
-=The lighting gets terribly dramatic as the fearow zooms in. Ash and Roadkill cling miserably to each other, crying in fear. Dexter keeps singing cheerfully. The fearow flexes its razor-sharp talons, preparing to rend our heroes to nothing. The spearows gather in a circle cheering and holding "Fearow 3:16" signs. Just before the fearow makes his kill, the scene freezes in time=-  
  
Narrator: Is this really the end of Ash Ketchum? It's only the second episode! It can't be! I mean what kind of series is that? -=whine=- I don't wanna' watch no more!  
  
-=the scene resumes and the fearow... explodes in a fiery cataclysm=-  
  
Narrator: -=sniff sniff=- I smell bird meat!  
  
Ash: Wow! Spontaneous combustion! What a stroke of luck!  
  
-=Roadkill passes out=-  
  
Dexter: For those of you unfamiliar with the term: Spontaneous combustion is the unexplained phenomenon of extreme, instantly increased body temperature... -=sings again=- I wanna' be the greatest master of them a-a-all...  
  
Ash: Whew! What an adventure, huh, Roadkill? -=looks at the barely-breathing mass of fur and blood in his arms=- Awww, he's sleeping! How cute!  
  
Narrator: ... You know, Ash, you might want to get some medical attention pretty soon. I mean, I know I'm the narrator and I'm not supposed to give hints, but... really...  
  
Ash: Good idea. And, it might be smart to get some medical attention too!  
  
Narrator: -=makes a confused noise=- But I... that's what I just said...  
  
Ash: Viridian City! Here we come! -=runs off down the road where Viridian City is conveniently close-by=- Don't worry, Roadkill. We'll be just fine! ^_^  
  
Dexter: And I say to myself: What a wonderful worrrrld...  
  
Narrator: And thus have our heroes escaped their first life-threatening adventure! Tune in next time for a new adventure on Pokémon Alpha!  
  
-=The camera lingers on the exploded bike (now in shadow). A thin, feminine sillhouette looms up over the bike and narrows its pale glowing eyes=-  
  
Misty: Oh... he's going to pay for this... and I don't mean with cash... -=blinks=- Unless it's a great deal of cash...  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
-=Dragnet Theme=-  
  
Officer Jenny: -=steps out and salutes=- This is the first mark on Ash's criminal record, by the way. When the fearow spontaneously combusted, the spearows, without a leader, all quite permanently lost their minds and wandered about aimlessly. Eventually, they all happened upon a small village on an unnamed island in the near proximity of Kanto. The villagers promptly killed and ate the birds, and discovered only recently after that they were all deathly allergic to poultry and they all died a week later. So our "hero" is obviously guilty of indirect mass murder. -=salutes again=- END! 


	4. Episode 3: Pokémon Emergency

This one is really, really awful and I admit it. But Team Rocket are in it, so that should make some of you happy! ^_^; --Dr. X  
--------------  
  
Pokémon Alpha  
by the Mysterious Dr. X  
  
episode three  
Pokémon Emergency  
  
Narrator: -=as is often the case with these sorts of programs, choice scenes of the previous episode are flashed by in front of the screen for a quick recollection of the story up to this point=- Previously, on Pokémon Alpha: Unaided by his hot-tempered pikachu Roadkill, Ash made his own attempt to capture his first pokémon; ultimately enraging a flock of spearows. Ash and Roadkill just narrowly escaped a vicious death at the talons of the psychotic pokémon, but not without receiving some nasty battlescars from the incident. -=now we're shown a nice, clean, moderately-sized and friendly-looking city=- Fortunately, our heroes have just reached Viridian City, where they will be able to get some medical attention an-- -=gunshots are heard=- What the--!? What's goin' on out hyah???  
  
-=on the outskirts of the city lies a little roadside convenience store labelled "Kwik-E-Mart." It is from this store that the gunshots are originating. Suddenly, 3 figures burst out from the front door, tripping and falling over each other in a mad attempt to get as far away from the establishment as possible. A few seconds later, after the clumsy trio have managed to put some distance between themselves and the Kwik-E-Mart, a tall Indian man with a pot belly and a shotgun storms out, waving his fist in the air=-  
  
Apu: An' doon't come back you leetle hoodlums!  
  
-=Apu turns around to go back into his store when an ugly little fat kid in a blue vest runs out with handful of stolen beef jerky=-  
  
Apu: AGH! -=shakes his fist=- Hands off my jerky, turkey!  
  
Nelson: -=stuffs a stick of jerky in his mouth and points at Apu=- Ha-haw!  
  
Narrator: Well enough of that mess. Who were those three weirdos who ran out of the store to begin with?  
  
-=Giggling (amid gasps of breath) near the Viridian City limits are a little creme-colored biped cat with a gold charm resting on his head, and two humans (a young man with shoulder-length blue hair and a young woman with impossibly long red hair) in matching white-and-black uniforms with a large red R on their vests... well, sort of matching. I mean, the guy's got pants and a normal-length shirt while the girl's wearing a shirt and skirt that, in MY opinion are just a little too short and should be a little longer for modesty's sake... I mean... oh sod it. You get the idea=-  
  
James: -=the guy, obviously... speaking in a deep voice with a slightly British accent=- Huzzah, Meowth! Job well done!  
  
Jessie: -=snickering and brushing her hair back with her fingers=- I can't believe one of your plans actually worked!  
  
Meowth: -=grins sneakily and winks at her, shaking his finger in a reprimanding manner=- O' course it woiked! Was dere eva' any doubt? I'm just naturally so cute an' adorable, it was child's play ta' distract dat stupid convenience store clerk whilst you two made off wit da goods!  
  
-=We're suddenly treated to a flashback of the incident. Wearing a top hat and carrying a cane, Meowth leaps onto the counter and starts dancing around...=-  
  
Meowth: Hello, mah baby, hello mah honey...  
  
Apu: Oh! Look at that adorable leetle cat! His zany antics make me laugh and conveniently distract me from my work!  
  
-=Back to reality, Jessie and James both look at each other and make a low noise that suggests their disbelief that Meowth is THAT adorable=-  
  
Meowth: -=narrows one eye and raises the other eyebrow=- So what didja' swipe anywayz?  
  
Jessie: -=squealy giggle=- I managed to get off with five dollars from the open cash register! -=holds up the cash triumphantly=-  
  
James: -=even squealier giggle=- And I got two pocketfulls of jerky AND a giant cherry Squishee!  
  
-=Jessie and Meowth look disbelievingly at James=-  
  
Jessie: -=cold, biting tone=- Is that the BEST you can do? -=whaps James upside the head=-  
  
James: -=huff=- I think I did rather well, thank you! -=pulls out the Squishee, stuffs a straw in it and slurps loudly from it=-  
  
Jessie: -=gets big starry eyes=- HEY! GIMME SOME! -=jabs another straw in. They both drink loudly, suddenly halt in a pained and wall-eyed expression, then fall over in agony, both shrieking "BRAINFREEZE!!! AAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!!"=-  
  
Meowth: -=blinks twice=- Five bucks... Oh joyous day. Heaven knows da' endless riches Team Rocket has acquired t'day... now dat we've got five bucks an' a Squishee...  
  
James: -=weakly raises his hand and points up=- don't forget the jerky...  
  
-=the entirely pointless prattle of the moment is halted by a familiar, yet unhealthy-sounding voice=-  
  
Ash: -=carrying Roadkill in his arms=- Excuse me... Could you three tell me where I could find a hospital?  
  
-=Jessie and James suddenly dart back up and Meowth whips around to look at Ash=-  
  
Jessie: -=concerned=- Oh my... you don't look too good...  
  
Ash: -=looks up at Jessie with a distant about-to-faint-from-pain-any-moment expression in his eyes=- You're no prize yourself, sister!  
  
James: -=grabs Jessie's fist before she has a chance to wail on the kid=- Jessie! ^_^; Take it easy! He's obviously delusional with pain...  
  
Meowth: I t'ink she means you don't look very healthy...  
  
Roadkill: -=hardly audible=- pika pikachu cheee... (Translation: That's why he asked about the hospital, genius...)  
  
Meowth: Don' get smart wit' me, rat!  
  
Jessie: -=sounding concerned again, just after having a psychotic moment (Ever noticed how often Jessie has moodswings in the show? I dunno, maybe James does it too, but it's a lot more noticeable when Jessie does it...)=- Aw, that poor little pikachu! Is it okay? -=pokes Roadkill's many wounds over and over again=-  
  
Roadkill: Pika... Pika... Pika... PIKA! (ow... ow... ow... OW!)  
  
James: Don't worry, kid... -=grabs Ash just as he starts to collapse=- We'll help you out... -=smiles warmly=-  
  
Meowth: -=grins and hops on James' shoulder=- Yeh! We can't just letcha' fall ova' dead here in da' road!  
  
Ash: Thanks... My name's Ash, by the way...  
  
James: -=grins=- I'm James!  
  
Meowth: Meowth hyeah... -=licks his paw and scratches at his ear=-  
  
Jessie: Yeah, and I'm Jessie, so look, can I hold that cute little pikachu? ^_^  
  
Roadkill: -=even quieter than before=- kapi...  
  
Jessie: What did he say?  
  
Meowth: He said "Ova' my dead body!"  
  
Ash: -=suddenly brightens for a split second=- Hey! Ironic choice of words! -=snicker=-  
  
Jessie: Hehe... good point... -=snicker=-  
  
-=Ash and Jessie look at each other for a second, then burst into homocidal laughter. Meowth, James, and Roadkill all look uncomfortably at each other. Ash and Jessie finally stop laughing=-  
  
Ash: Okay, so about that hospital?  
  
-=A quick scene transition brings the new friends/soon-to-be enemies into the astoundingly convenient hospital that treats both humans and animals. Ash stumbles blearily up to the front desk and rings the bell a few times=-  
  
Nurse Joy: -=a pretty lady with a pink dress, blue eyes, and bright red hair (... I wonder if she and Jessie are related? ... nah. That's just silly!)=- Yes? How can I help you? -=extremely warm smile=-  
  
Ash: -=starting to fade=- I need to see a doctor... -=finally collapses and passes out=-  
  
Meowth: -=puts his fists on his hips, looks around a bit, then shrugs and looks at Ash=- Well, our woik hyeah is done! -=Jessie and James nod=-  
  
Meowth, Jessie, and James: YOINK! -=they all dash out of the hospital=-  
  
Nurse Joy: -=tilts her head and blinks=- My, what odd people-- Huh? HEY! One of the 7-month-old copies of "Better Homes and Gardens" is missing from the waiting room!  
  
Narrator: -=gasps=- NOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
-=fade to black=-  
  
-=... and now fade right back to the hospital, where Ash is just walking out into the waiting room, looking much better (despite the many bandages)=-  
  
Narrator: Oh Ash! Good to see you're alright!  
  
Ash: -=grins and points to the upper half of the screen (where it has been previously noted that the Narrator resides)=- Hey! Right back atcha', unseen booming voice!  
  
Narrator: By the way, you have a visitor...  
  
Ash: Oh? Who is it? -=squeals happily and clasps his hands together=- Santa Claus?  
  
Narrator: ...nnnnot exactly...  
  
-=Misty comes storming through the front doors like a woman possessed, literally carrying her disfigured bicycle over her head with one hand=-  
  
Ash: Apollyon!!! -=dives under Nurse Joy's currently-unoccupied desk=-  
  
Misty: GET OUT FROM UNDER THERE, YOU LITTLE MORON! -=kicks the desk, sending it flying across the room where it hits the wall and explodes into a million little pieces. Ash squeals like a piggy=- LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY BIKE! YOU'RE GONNA' PAY FOR THIS, DO YOU HEAR ME???  
  
Ash: -=whimper=- I'm sorry...  
  
Misty: -=grabs him with her free hand and holds him inches away from her face=- Don't pull that crap with me, kid! You just took off with my brand-new bike and totally trashed it!  
  
Ash: -=winces=- I'm sorry, okay? I really am! I had to use it to get away from those spearows!  
  
Misty: -=blink=- You mean they were chasing you?  
  
Narrator: -=very sarcastic=- No, they were exhibiting an all-spearow air show...  
  
Misty: DID I ASK YOU???  
  
Ash: Yes, they were chasing me... and my pikachu... and they caught up to us, and now my pikachu's really hurt and... -=sniffles and closes his eyes tight to keep from crying=-  
  
Misty: -=softens and puts Ash (and the bike) down=- H-hey... I'm sorry... is your pikachu going to be okay?  
  
Ash: -=bites his lip=- That's just it... I don't know. The doctors said I'd just have to wait and see and... -=suddenly turns around and stares excitedly at something along the wall=- HEY! ARE THOSE VIDEO PHONES???  
  
Misty: I don't-- -=Ash zips past her, leaving her blinking in confusion=-  
  
Ash: STELLAR! I thought only my family had video phones! ^_^  
  
Misty: -=puts her hands on her hips and raises an eyebrow=- What are you talking about now, you lunatic?  
  
Ash: -=dialing his phone number=- My grampa invented these things and everyone in my family has one... but they're still kinda' expensive so we don't know anyone else who has 'em...  
  
Misty: Uh huh. Sure. Professor Oak created the videophone, you little dingus... -=blinkblink=- ... Waiiiiiit a minute... You mean to tell me you're Professor Oak's other grandson... what's his name... Ash?  
  
Ash: -=not really listening=- Uh huh. Except the "what's his name" isn't part of my name. -=his mom appears on the videophone monitor=- Hi, Mom!  
  
Mrs. Ketchum: Oh, hello, Ash!  
  
Oak: -=pops up on the screen=- Hi, Ash! I was just conveniently having lunch with your mom today, so I'll be able to speak on the phone with you too! -=blinks and notices Misty=- Oh, hi Misty!  
  
Misty: -=peace sign=- Yo.  
  
Mrs. Ketchum: How are you, Ash sweety?  
  
Ash: Oh, relatively alright, all things considered... I've already made it to Viridian City...  
  
Mrs. Ketchum: Viridian City already? Aww, if only your father was here to see you, he'd be SO proud! You know, it took him four days to get from Pallet to Viridian on his first adventure...  
  
Oak: -=taps his chin in thought=- Hmm... oddly enough, it's also the last place anyone's seen him...  
  
-=Ash, Mrs. Ketchum, and Prof. Oak all look curiously at each other for a moment or two, then shrug it off. We then move along to see Team Rocket walking along the road, minding their own business=-  
  
James: -=reading a 7-month-old copy of "Better Homes and Gardens"=- You know, despite being, y'know, evil and all, I just get such a nice feeling from helping people. You know what I mean? OOH! There's a DARLING curtain design I should try to find!  
  
Jessie: -=nods distantly=- Yeah, I know what you mean... -=looks to James for a second=- Say, James... did that Ash kid seem familiar to you in any way?  
  
James: -=looks up from his magazine=- No, why?  
  
Jessie: I don't know... I've just got this weird feeling about him... -=shrugs=- It's probably just the voices in my head again... -=James nods absent-mindedly. Jessie looks down at Meowth=- What's that, Meowth?  
  
Meowth: Oh, dis? -=carrying Dexter=- It's a PokéDex. I t'ink Ash dropped it... -=flips the "on" switch=-  
  
Dexter: Hi there! Hey... who are you goofballs? Where's Ash and Roadkill?  
  
Meowth: See?  
  
Jessie: -=growls deeply with a bright fire in her deep blue eyes=- "GOOFBALLS"? YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL THE INFAMOUS TEAM ROCKET "GOOFBALLS"?  
  
James: -=huffs and folds his arms=- Well, I never! Just who do you think you are anyway?  
  
Meowth: Yeh! Start explainin' yerself, Tweaky!  
  
Dexter: Glad to! I'm Dexter the PokéDex. Professor Oak designed me specifically for his grandson, Ash... and I didn't like that "Tweaky" reference, Heathcliff...  
  
...  
  
beedi-beedi-beedi...  
  
Meowth: "HEATHCLIFF"!? -=shakes his fist at Dexter=- Why I oughtta'... I'll moida' you...  
  
James: -=snickers=- "Heathcliff"... It's funny 'cuz he's a cat... ^_^ -=blink=- Hey, Jessie... what's the matter?  
  
Jessie: -=staring blankly into space=- Professor... Oak...? -=grins slowly=- Professor Oak is famous...  
  
James: ... yeah... and...?  
  
Jessie: And probably rich...  
  
James and Meowth: ...uh-huh...?  
  
Jessie: And, therefore, his grandson's probably rich too!  
  
James: -=eyes half-closed=- ...I don't see where you're going with this, Jessie... -=instantly snagged by the collar by Jessie's gloved hand and yanked out of the scene=-  
  
Jessie: C'mon, jocko!  
  
James: WOO!  
  
-=And now back to the hospital...=-  
  
Ash: - -; So, yeah... The big jerk ditched me on Viridian Road...  
  
Oak: What???  
  
Mrs. Ketchum: Why that irresponsible little... -=growls angrily=-  
  
Ash: Yeah, so then me and Roadkill got attacked by these demented spearows... -=Misty gets very quiet and looks strangely at Ash=- I'm okay, but I'm kind of worried about Roadkill...  
  
Mrs. Ketchum: Oh, Ash dear... I'm sure Roadkill will be okay...  
  
Oak: -=nods=- I agree. That pikachu of yours is a tough little bugger! I'd be surpised if he threw in the towel that easily... -=smiles and winks encouragingly at Ash=-  
  
Ash: -=remembers something Dexter said about the whole "it'll be okay" debacle=- ... thanks, Mom... thanks, Grampa...  
  
Misty: ... You named your pikachu... Roadkill...? -=Ash nods=- ... you're a real weirdo, you know that?  
  
Ash: Yep... I'm kind of a psycho kid... -=grins and laughs upsettingly=-  
  
Oak: Well, Ash, we'd better be going now. Our pineapple, anchovie, and tofu pizza is getting cold... -=Misty makes a disgusted face=-  
  
Ash: Kay...  
  
Mrs. Ketchum: You be careful, now, Ash...  
  
Ash: I know. I will.  
  
Mrs. Ketchum: And remember to change your underwear every day! -=Misty snickers=-  
  
Ash: - -; Sure, Mom... bye now...  
  
Mrs. Ketchum: Bye!  
  
Oak: Bye!  
  
Misty: -=as Ash hangs up=- ... BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Underwear!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!  
  
Ash: -=flailing his fists about and whining=- Shut up! Just shut up! It's just not that funny!  
  
Misty: -=rolling around on the floor=- Oh that's rich!!!  
  
-=suddenly, the lights go dim and a melodramatic theme song begins to play=-  
  
Narrator: -=snoring a little=- zzzz... Gah? Wha? What happened?  
  
Misty: -=pops up=- What the--?  
  
Ash: The Hooded One is nearby! -=freaks out=- SAVE US, RED DRAGON!!!  
  
Misty: ... -=glances at Ash for a moment=-  
  
-=Just then, the front door is kicked open by a familiar young woman=-  
  
Jessie: -=being embarrassingly dramatic=- Prepare for TROUBLE!!!  
  
James: -=bursts in beside her and holds a rose=- Make that double...  
  
-=Ash and Misty look at each other=-  
  
Jessie: To protect the world from devastation...  
  
James: To unite all peoples within our nation...  
  
Jessie: To denounce the evils of truth and love...  
  
-=Misty tilts her head and raises an eyebrow=-  
  
James: To extend our reach to the stars above...  
  
Jessie: Jessie!  
  
James: James!  
  
Jessie: Team Rocket! Blast off at the speed of light!  
  
James: Surrender now or prepare to fight!  
  
Meowth: -=somersaults over their heads and lands perfectly in front of the two drama club dropouts=- Meeeeeeeyowth! Dat's right!  
  
Ash: -=as the lights suddenly turn back on=- Oh! Hi, guys! Good to see you again! How you doing?  
  
James and Jessie: Oh, just fine, thanks! ^_^  
  
Misty: Wait a minute... Ash, are you saying you know these guys?  
  
Ash: Yeah, why?  
  
Misty: They're members of Team Rocket! One of the most-feared gangs in Kanto!  
  
Meowth: Yeh! An' don't you f'get it, goily!  
  
Misty: ... Just as a side-note... that little speech of yours is sort of arbitrary to itself, don't you think? I mean one minute you're defending the world, the next you're denouncing truth? It doesn't really work...  
  
Jessie: -=grabs Misty and glares into her eyes=- NEVER insult the sacred oath, little girl!  
  
Misty: ... -=blinkblink=- O o; ... okay...  
  
Ash: So whatcha' guys here for, anyway?  
  
James: Well, you dropped this... -=hands Dexter to Ash=-  
  
Dexter: Hey, Ash! Try bein' a little more careful next time!  
  
Ash: Oh thanks!  
  
Meowth: An' one udda' t'ing... -=points his finger at Ash as if it's a gun=- Give us all your money!  
  
Ash: What?  
  
Jessie: -=still holding Misty by the collar=- You heard us, kid! Your money or your life!  
  
Ash: NO!  
  
James: Don't make us get rough, Ash... -=glares at him=-  
  
Ash: NO!  
  
Jessie, James, and Meowth: ... please?  
  
Misty: ... - O You guys really aren't very good at this, are you?  
  
Jessie: SHUT UP!  
  
James: no, we're not... -=gets slapped by Jessie=- OW!!!  
  
Nurse Joy: -=walks out into the waiting room, carrying Roadkill, and sporting a number of noticeable burns=- Alright, Ash... Your pikachu seems to be doing fine now... Now PLEASE! TAKE IT! Take it before it claims another innocent life!!!  
  
Ash: Kay. -=reaches out to take Roadkill=-  
  
Roadkill: Ka -=painfully electrocutes Joy just before Ash grabs him again=-  
  
Ash: Hiya, Road! Doing alright? -=hugs him=-  
  
Joy: -=stares, smoldering, at Roadkill=- eeeeevil...   
  
Meowth: Whateva'. So you gonna' give us your money or whut?  
  
Ash: -=overtly dramatic, clenches his fist and yells=- NEVER!!!!  
  
James: GAH!  
  
Jessie: Okay, fine. You don't have to yell about it...  
  
Meowth: Sheesh...  
  
-=Ash tosses Roadkill to the ground=-  
  
Roadkill: -=bounces lightly=- KA!   
  
Ash: Roadkill! Thundershock these guys outta' the room!  
  
-=Misty and Joy appear in little surprise panels in the corners of the screen=-  
  
Misty: You little maniac! You can't sic your pokémon on another human being!  
  
Ash: -=stares wildly at Misty and still acts all dramatic-like=- It's MY party and I'll cry if I want to!  
  
Dexter: -=whispering fearfully=- just... humor him...  
  
Misty: Gah! Fine... Just keep away from me, weirdo...  
  
James: Well two can play at this game...  
  
Jessie: Or three...  
  
James: Yeah well... okay, you know what I mean... WEEZER! GO! -=tosses a pokéball=-  
  
Jessie: GETTIM, COILY! -=throws a pokéball as well=-  
  
-=From the thrown balls pop out a koffing: what looks like a round, purple meteorite with a chronically happy grin on it's face; and an ekans: a... purple snake, pretty much=-  
  
Meowth: Meowth! Rippem apart!  
  
-=Meowth leaps out in front of the two new pokémon. We are then treated to multiple painting shots of Roadkill and the Team Rocket pokémon staring off, then Ash and Team Rocket staring off, then Roadkill and Meowth specifically, then Ash and Jessie specifically, then Misty sighing and rolling her eyes, then Dib Casil and Invader Zim staring off, then Pac-Man and Duke Nukem staring off, then a guy screaming in fear at the realization that his soup has a fly in it, then James scratching his head absent-mindedly, then...=-  
  
Joy: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! There is NO fighting allowed in this, or any other hospital!  
  
James, Jessie, Ash, Meowth, Roadkill, Coily, and Weezer: -=all look at each other=- Meh... -=the ones who can shrug do so=-  
  
Meowth: U-tilitizing my fine cat-like grace an' speed, I shall kindly make da' foist move; even though it will be expected now dat I've spoken about it! FURY SWIPES!!! MEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! -=lunges at Roadkill, knocking him over and clawing at him=-  
  
Jessie: Coily! Submission Hold, now!  
  
Misty: -=yes, still being held by the collar=- You know, I kind of suspected you were into that kind of thing...  
  
Jessie: -=looks innocently confused=- What?  
  
Misty: ... nevermind...  
  
Jessie: ... I like cute animals! ^_^  
  
Misty: -=smacks her forehead=- I'm surrounded by idiots...  
  
-=Anyway, back to the battle, Coily diligently obeys her master by constricting tightly around Roadkill... and Meowth...=-  
  
Roadkill: Pikachu!   
  
Meowth: AGH! Let go a' me, ya' stupid snake!  
  
Joy: That's it. I'm calling the cops... -=heads to the phone=-  
  
Narrator: Yeah, and call me a pizza, wouldja?  
  
Dexter: And call me irresponsible!  
  
James: Weezer! Smokescreen!  
  
Weezer: Koffeeeng... -=expels a thick smoke...=-  
  
Author: -=resists making a really, really juvenile joke=-  
  
Weezer: -=blanketing the whole room in a choking fog=-  
  
Ash: -=chokes=- Enough of this! Roadkill! Thundershock!  
  
Roadkill: Piiii...  
  
Dexter: ... whoa... wait a second...  
  
Roadkill: ...kaaaaaa....  
  
Narrator: ... that was a bad move, wasn't it?  
  
Dexter: Mmmmyep...  
  
Roadkill: CHUUUUUUUU!!!  
  
Misty: - -; oh crap...  
  
-=The entire stinkin' hospital EXPLODES as the electricity mixes with the flammable gas. All the Team Rocket characters are inadvertently blown sky-high while Ash, Dexter, Misty, Roadkill, and Joy are all still rooted in place... though covered in soot and whatnot. They all stand there blinking amid the Rubble.=-  
  
Betty: I can't help but think including us as a cameo here makes for a really awful pun...  
  
Barney: -=deep, goofy giggle=- But it sure is a funny one!  
  
-=... okay, I apologize for that... anyway...=-  
  
Team Rocket: -=flying off into oblivion=- Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off againnnn...  
  
-=A police siren is heard fastly approaching=-  
  
Officer Jenny: -=zooms up on her motorcycle and stops right at ground zero=- Shoot. Late again. I really need to get my act together...  
  
-=Ash, Misty, Roadkill, and Joy all collapse. (Dexter can't collapse, but he's in Ash's pocket, so he at least falls over with him)=-  
  
Narrator: -=over an arial shot of the smoking remains of the hospital=- What an EXPLOSIVE adventure, right folks? heh... heheh... -=laughs nervously, realizes that no one else is laughing, then groans horribly=- oh god it hurts... anyway, another episode through and already the cast has thickened out considerably! AND we've been treated to the first real display of extensive property damage in the show! Whee! By the way, don't worry. No one else was in the hospital when all of this happened... no one likable anyway. So, be sure to tune in next time for another adventure in... Pokémon Alpha!!!  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
Officer Jenny: -=as the screen freezes, she walks out to speak to the audience again=- This would be the second mark on Ash's criminal record... When he called his family, he dialed '0' instead of collect, keeping his mother from saving a buck or two. -=salutes=- END!  
  
Apu: Thank you for comeeng! I'll see you een Hell! 


	5. Episode 4: Into the Woods

Wow! A new chapter! Who'd a' thunkit, huh? Maybe I'll even get on the ball and write a new chapter of my current Invader Zim story? Y'know, when pigs fly... --Dr. X  
  
--------------  
  
Pokémon Alpha  
  
by the Mysterious Dr. X  
  
episode four  
  
Into the Woods  
  
Narrator: -=before we get chance to see ANYTHING at ALL, he suddenly shrieks=- PROLOGUE!!! -=at the top of his lungs=-   
  
-=A scene then opens in Jessie and James' shared apartment in Team Rocket HQ. (With separate bedrooms, thank you very much! Keep your filthy imaginations to yourself, perverts! Sorry... I'm a little high-strung this week... -=sighs and sings=- Sometimes... -=snaps out of it=- Oh, anyway...) Jessie, James, and Meowth are all adorned with bandages and burns, albeit very, VERY minor burns and maybe 4 bandages apiece, which is odd considering that they were nearly blown off the face of the earth in the previous episode. Anyway, we don't have much time to think about this because suddenly, we hear the deep voice of Team Rocket's leader, Giovanni, booming over an intercom in the apartment...=-  
  
Giovanni: -=sounding oddly like Darth Vader=- Jessie! James! Meowth! Come to my office, P.D.Q.!  
  
James: "P.D.Q."?  
  
Jessie: What does that mean?  
  
Giovanni: Um... it means... look, I don't know. Just get in my office.  
  
Meowth: Okay, we'll be dere in a minute. -=picks up a TV remote=- It's almost time fer "Golden Girls!"   
  
James: -=bats his wrist and rolls his emerald-green eyes, looking extremely stupid=- That Blanche...  
  
Giovanni: No, not "in a minute!" I mean NOW!  
  
Jessie: But--  
  
Giovanni: WHEN I SAY "NOW," I MEAN "NOW!" DO YOU THREE WANT TO BE GROUNDED?  
  
All: -=hang their heads and mutter in deep, grumpy voices=- No sirrr...  
  
-=Now we see the door of Giovanni's office. It's a typical office door with "Giovanni: Professional Villain" emblazoned on the frosted window. Darth Vader's theme from "Star Wars" is heard playing as the camera pans through the window...=-  
  
Window: CRASH! -=breaks into a million pieces=-  
  
-=...and into the extremely dark office where Jessie, James, and Meowth are all standing fearfully in front of Giovanni's large desk. Behind the desk, with his back turned to them all in a shamefully over-used cliché, sits Giovanni... The Big-Time Mucky-Muck of Team Rocket and stuff like that!=-  
  
Giovanni: -=still talking like Darth Vader=- It seems there was quite the commotion downtown the other day... -=we see just the very side of Giovanni's face. Enough to see the side of his nasty smile as Jessie, James, and Meowth all gulp nervously and fidget=- Apparently, two teenagers and a pokémon were seen robbing a convenience store in broad daylight... and were later responsible for the destruction of an entire hospital...  
  
Meowth: -=scratches one black-tipped ear in thought=- Eeeeeeyeah... Y'see, Boss, it's like dis... See, I...  
  
Jessie: We were just...  
  
Giovanni: -=whirls around in his seat, violently upsetting the persian pokémon on his lap (it vaguely resembles Meowth... only more like a real adult cat than a little cartoony kitten). In the dim light, not much can be gathered about Giovanni's appearance except that he seems to be in very good physical shape... and he's bald. Well, you can't win 'em all, eh?=-  
  
Giovanni: SILENCE! Do you understand the consequences of what you've done? Because of you, the police are now scouring Viridian City for signs of Team Rocket! The reason I've told all of you NOT to commit crimes within the city is so that NO one will realize that our headquarters are here! Are you so stupid that-- -=is interrupted by James, who raises his hand with a really blank, stupid look on his face as if he's completely unaware of the fact that he's being chewed-out by one of the most ruthless mobsters in the world=- Yes, James?  
  
James: What's wrong with your voice, sir?  
  
Giovanni: Huh? Oh this? Heh... -=holds up a weird little microphone thing=- Eh, it's just this funny little thing I found in Spencer's the other day. Here, check this out... -=he flips a switch on the mic, then speaks into it, sounding just like Jerry Lewis=- HELLO DERE, NICE LADY! -=picks up his persian=- HELLO, MS. PURRSY! DO YOU WANNA' TALK TO GIOVANNI? HOIL!  
  
Purrsy: -=whimpers and looks to the audience as if to say "help me"=-  
  
Meowth: Hey! Dat's really sumptin! Can I see dat t'ing?  
  
Giovanni: -=drops the large cat on the floor with an audible thud, then speaks like Darth Vader again while pointing wildly at Meowth=- NO, MR. PUSSYNIBBLES! YOU'RE A VERY BAD CAT! NO VOICE-TOY-MICROPHONE-THINGY FOR YOU!!!  
  
-=Jessie and James (who's blushing a lot) giggle childishly=-  
  
Jessie: -=snicker=- "pussynibbles..."  
  
-=Meowth snarls at them.=-  
  
(PS: I hate to give away my references like this, but... Meowth's name is a reference to a kind of catfood referred to in a Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie -"City Limits," to be exact-. It is NOT a dirty word! So don't think I'm trying to be filthy with this... unless... you think it's funnier that way. Then, by all means, think of it that way. But the point is, it's not intended to be as filthy as it sounds...)  
  
Giovanni: -=points at Jessie and James=- Or for YOU, either! You've all done a very, very bad thing and that means... THE NOSE-IN-THE-BOOK PENALTY!  
  
-=they all gasp=-  
  
Jessie: NO, SIR! Not the Nose-In-The-Book penalty!  
  
Meowth: ANYT'ING BUT DAT!!!  
  
Giovanni: -=VERY deep and ominous now=- Yes... THAT!  
  
James: B-but the hospital thing wasn't even our fault, Mr. Giovanni, sir! There was this kid named Ash Ketchum, see, and, and...  
  
Jessie: Yeah! And... and he had this pikachu, see...  
  
Giovanni: ... -=narrows his eyes (which appear as luminous slits in the darkness)=- ... Did you say... Ash... "Ketchum"...?  
  
Meowth: Dat's whut da' kid said, Boss!  
  
Giovanni: ... and he had... a pikachu?  
  
Meowth: Yep! Yellow fur, pointy ears, funky tail; da' whole nine yards!  
  
Giovanni: ... -=rubs his chin in thought=- I see.... Hmmm... -=chuckles a little=- Heh... heheheh... -=it turns into more of a cackle. We see James and Meowth look uncertainly at each other. Jessie starts to giggle with a confused look on her face. Giovanni then breaks into flat-out homocidal laughter, which triggers Jessie to lean over on the desk, cracking up and pounding her fist like she's just heard the funniest joke in the world. Meowth shrugs and rolls over on his back, arms wrapped around his sides and tumbling around in hysterics. Purrsy looks out from behind the desk, then turns her bright yellow/amber eyes to James=-  
  
James: -=whimpers and knits his dark-blue eyebrows (which, I stated the color just because I think cartoon hair colors are neat)=- ... I'm scared, Purrsy...  
  
Purrsy: Mrrrrrow... (Me too...)  
  
-=The scene fades away and reopens on Ash, Misty, and Roadkill thrashing through a thick forest=-  
  
Narrator: Now, where were we? Oh yes! In the last episode, Ash's mental instability and Team Rocket's unmitigated stupidity led to the thorough destruction of a hospital in downtown Viridian City! In order to avoid legal prosecution, or to "beat feet from the heat," as Ash put it, he and Roadkill quickly made their escape to Viridian Forest. They were followed by the quick-tempered little redhead, Misty, who set a new goal in her life to make Ash pay for the death of her beloved bicycle. And now, our three heroes are deep in the forest, on their way to the next step of their pokémon journey. Let's watch, won't we?  
  
Roadkill: -=swatting at tree branches while sitting on Ash's head=- Cha, Pika... Pikachu cha pika pikachu? (So, Ash... when we get to Pewter City, what do you say we try blowing up TWO hospitals?)  
  
Ash: -=also swatting at branches and whatnot=- Okay, okay, Roadkill! I didn't mean to blow everything up! You can quit teasing me now...  
  
Roadkill: Pichu... (I'm not kidding. It was fun. I thrive on destruction...)  
  
Misty: -=trailing behind them, also swatting like mad (okay, you all get the hint that they're in the thick forest. No reason to keep saying they're swatting at branches)=- Urgh... I hate forests... Ash, you dummy! If you hadn't completely trashed that hospital, we wouldn't have to be trailing through here...  
  
Dexter: -=speaking up from Ash's pocket=- You don't have to be following us anyway...  
  
Ash: Yeah, no one invited you, Missy...  
  
Misty: GRRRR... -=rips a whole, thick branch off of an extremely healthy tree in her anger and brains Ash with it repeatedly (Roadkill leaps away just in time)=- My name's not "Missy," it's "MISTY!" Get it RIGHT, you little dingus! -=looms over the now very-crumpled and battered Ash, breathing heavily and wielding the branch like a deranged cave-dweller=-  
  
Ash: -=twitch twitch=- Is that you, Grandma? Head toward the light? Okay...  
  
Misty: And the reason I'm still following you, Dexter... -=tosses the branch behind her back as if it was no more than a pencil=- ...is because Ash wrecked my brand-new bike and I'm not letting him off that easily!  
  
Narrator: I believe I've already explained all of that...  
  
-=Misty whips around and stares demonically toward the Narrator with a bloodthirsty glint in her azure eyes=-  
  
Narrator: -=talks like Jerry Lewis=- Nevamoind!  
  
Misty: -=huffs and kicks Ash's battered, broken body=- Come on, stupid! Get your worthless butt up and let's get going...  
  
Ash: -=stands up and brushes himself off=- I don't see what your problem is, Misty... Forests are GREAT! They're a sure bet to find a LOT of pokémon and--  
  
Misty: I don't care... -=gags and makes a disgusted face while shivering=- They're dirty and mossy... and full of bugs and... -=blinks at Ash=- Hey, weirdo... what's wrong with you now?  
  
Ash: -=standing perfectly bolt upright with his eyes wide open, but his pupils extremely small=- Poké-Senses Tingling!  
  
Misty: -=smacks her forehead=- Oh geeze...  
  
Ash: There must be a wild pokémon somewhere nearby! -=yanks Dexter out of his pocket and brandishes the PokéDex before him like a sword=- DEXTER! LOCATETH MINE UNWITTING PREY!!!  
  
Dexter: Scanning... -=makes R2D2 noises for a bit while a radar grid appears on his screen=- Ah. Okay. It's a pidgey. Good choice for a beginner's pokémon. Little brown bird... sort of like an owl/sparrow/chickadee combination... standing right in front of us...  
  
-=Misty and Ash both look down at their feet. Roadkill is having a pleasant conversation with the pidgey and sipping tea=-  
  
Pidgey: Piirdgie... pi-pirdgie...  
  
Roadkill: -=nods=- Pikachu... -=sips some tea=-  
  
Misty: Well, I can see why you needed to use your PokéDex to find that, Ash... - -;  
  
Dexter: Hey, clam up, sister! You didn't see it there either!  
  
Ash: -=hopping up and down, from one leg to the other, like a monkey on crystal meth (and making the same noises, to boot!)=- Roadkill! What do you think you're doing???  
  
Roadkill: -=looks up at Ash=- Pikachu pi-pika! (Sharing a cup of tea with my friend here. What's it look like? Duh...) -=looks back to the pidgey and twirls his paw by his head=- Pikachu. Pika-pichu pika... (My trainer. He's kind of an idiot, you see...)  
  
Pidgey: -=nods=- Pirdgie... -=sips some tea (He's holding the cup with his wing. Don't ask how. I don't know. Nor do I care.)=-  
  
Ash: -=has a really weird water-painted orangie/red background. He poses similar to the way they do on DragonBall Z when they "Level Up" or "Go Super" or... whatever the heck they do. I don't know. I don't watch the show.=- GRARRRGH! ROADKILL! I ORDER YOU TO FIGHT, AND DEFEAT, THAT PIDGEY FOR ME!  
  
Roadkill: -=sighs and dusts off his paws=- Cha pika pikachu... (Well... sorry, buddy. Looks like we gotta' fight...)  
  
Pidgey: -=shrugs=- Pirdgie pirrdge... (No problem. I understand.) -=winks=- Pirdgggie... (I'll make this easy...)  
  
Roadkill: -=nods=- Pika. -=reaches out and pokes the pidgey's beak. The bird collapses=-  
  
Ash: SING THE PRAISES OF BLIND IO! I AM VICTORIOUS! -=catches the pidgey with a pokéball. From inside, the pidgey is heard speaking in the pokémon equivalent of "Hmm... nice digs. A few paintings, some new wallpaper, and I could get used to this place..." Ash then holds the pokéball high over his head and flips his red cap around on his messy hair=- YOU ARE MINE, PIDGEY! AND, IN THE MANNER OF GIVING MY POKéMON REALLY STUPID NAMES, I NOW DUB YOU "DIRTY BIRD!"  
  
Narrator, Misty, Dexter, "Dirty Bird," and Roadkill: ... "Dirty Bird"... ?  
  
Ash: -=nods=- Mm-hmm. -=puts the ball in his backpack=- Now let's get going! I have to be back on the java train before nine or the clock-maker gets angry!  
  
Misty: ... What?  
  
Ash: -=stares with the same wide eyes, only this time going wall-eyed. He looks like he's had a lobotomy.=- Ah have no ah-deeeaaaaa.... -=Misty is heard grumbling=-  
  
Narrator: -=as we see Misty trudging through the forest with Roadkill, dragging the now-comatose Ash behind her=- So, Ash has another pokémon! .... mmmmmyep... That's uh... well, all that really happened today. Maybe the next episode will be more interesting. I don't know. I don't care either. They don't pay me enough for this...  
  
-=goofy cartoony "sneaking up" music plays as Team Rocket rises up from some bushes=-  
  
James: -=narrows his eyes and speaks very dramatically=- Sleep well this night, Ash Ketchum... for it will be the last peaceful sleep you will ever know... Muwahahaha!  
  
Meowth: -=turns his confused green/yellow gaze on him=- What da' heck are you talkin' about?  
  
James: -=shrugs=- I dunno. It just sounded cool...  
  
Jessie: ... pussynibbles... hehehe...  
  
Meowth: SHADDAP!  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
Narrator: END!  
  
--------------  
  
The Final Word: Don't worry. I seem depressed in this story, but I'm not. I just thought it would be funny if I kept saying I didn't care at all about the story because... well... this chapter's really weak. Hehe. --Dr. X 


	6. Episode 5: Ash Catches A Bug and Makes M...

Pokémon Alpha  
  
by the Mysterious Dr. X  
  
episode five  
  
Ash Catches A Bug and Makes Misty Sick  
  
-=today's episode starts with Ash, Misty, and Roadkill trekking through Viridian Forest again. They all seem to be listening to the Narrator=-  
  
Narrator: ...so then I says to the guy "Look! Just because I'm a disembodied voice doesn't mean I ain't got feelings!"  
  
Dexter: There's just no respect for us inanimate voices, you know?  
  
Narrator: Tell me about it! Now I-- OH! Um... er... -=speaks loudly=- WHEN LAST WE LEFT OUR HEROES-- -=everyone screams collectively and falls over in surprise=- they were heading to Pewter City via the route through Viridian Forest!  
  
Ash: -=pops up=- Pewter City? Is that where we're heading?  
  
Misty: -=hands on her hips, leaning forward in Ash's face=- Well DUH, Ash! That IS where the first official Pokémon League gym is! Where did you THINK we were going?  
  
Ash: -=stuttering noises=- I... I thought we were going to Mount Everest to communicate with the Martians!  
  
-=Misty does the cartoon "collapse" gag. Roadkill smacks his forehead. Dexter groans=-  
  
Dexter: Ash, if I had hands, I'd use them to pry out my AI unit if only to cease my having to listen to your idiotic prattle!  
  
Ash: -=grins like an idiot with his tongue hanging out and his left eye squinted=- I'M SPECIAL!!!  
  
Misty: -=looks at him from the corners of her eyes=- you can say that again...  
  
Roadkill and the Narrator: OOOOOOH!  
  
Misty: Wha?  
  
Roadkill: -=hops up in the air behind Misty and pokes her shoulder=- Ku pi pikachuuuuu! (You think Ash is "special"!)  
  
Narrator: -=taunting=- Misty and Ash sittin' in a tree!  
  
Misty: SHADDAP!!! -=backhands Roadkill, who was still hovering behind her, then walks offscreen where a loud slap is heard=-  
  
Narrator: OOH! -=thud=-  
  
Misty: -=walks back onscreen, snarling=-  
  
Ash: -=singing along=- ^_^ K-I-S-S-I-N- -=suddenly catches on and gets rather angry=- hey, wait a minute! -=is then smacked by Misty and falls over=-  
  
Dexter: -=flies out of Ash's pocket, hovers in the air for a moment, sighs, then lands in the dirt. Actually, he lands perfectly, with one edge jabbed into the ground, so he's sort of sitting straight up=- ... hey! Look! Another pokémon!  
  
Ash: -=pops back up=- Really? COOL!  
  
Roadkill: Kip pikachu! (What a ridiculously fortunate stroke of luck!)  
  
Misty: -=folds her arms and rolls her eyes=- Really. It's like this whole series is being written by a lazy cartoonist who just doesn't care...  
  
Narrator: Hey, don't blame him! It's based after a cartoon series by a bunch of lazy cartoonists who just didn't care!  
  
Ash: -=flailing around=- Hey! Shaddap, everybody, can'tcha? Dexter! What is it?  
  
-=the camera shows a big green caterpillar squirming around. Dexter looms up a bit to show the same creature on his screen=-  
  
Dexter: Caterpie - a cute, cuddly little caterpillar pokémon that is, unfortunately, rather weak in its infancy. But, if raised well, it can be a powerful ally when it reaches its adult stage.  
  
Misty: EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!! An icky bug! Quick! Squish it! SQUISHIT!!!  
  
Ash: NO WAY!  
  
Misty: -=evil stare=- WHY THE FRIGGIN' HELL NOT??? {Author's Note: misty doesn't like bugs very much!}  
  
Ash: -=points at the cute, but very large caterpillar=- Think of the mess that thing would leave on your shoe! -=a noise is made that suggests Misty just became violently ill=- Anyway, I'M gonna' catch it! -=very excited now=- ^_^ Roadkill! -=points dramatically=- Let's catch that caterpie!!! -=we hear Roadkill's answer, but the camera stays on Ash's face=-  
  
Roadkill: -=just as wildly enthused as Ash=- ^_^ PIKA! (NO! BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU!)  
  
Ash: -=face faults=- Fine, then! -=rummages through his backpack, spilling stuff all over the place (messy little kid, ain't he?), then pulls a pokéball out of his backpack=- DIRTY BIRD! I CHOOSE YOU!!!   
  
-=Dexter sighs irritably as the pidgey pops out of the pokéball, then zooms straight at the caterpie. Dirty Bird proceeds to attempt eating the caterpie. The caterpie, realizing that its life is in danger, starts scooting around and squealing like crazy. It all looks very wacky, and even moreso when the Benny Hill theme music begins.=-  
  
Dexter: Brilliant, Ash. Summon a pokémon that will try to EAT the caterpie. You really are an idiot!  
  
Ash: HEY! -=picks up Dexter and shoves him in his pocket=- I prefer to be called "mentally challenged"!  
  
-=back to Dirty Bird and the caterpie. Caterpie keeps dashing around for its sweet little life, then... out of the corner of its eye, it glimpses a fallen pokéball. Quickening its speed, the caterpie just BARELY misses being eaten by Dirty Bird, and manages to smack his head against the button on the ball, sucking himself right in. Dirty Bird smacks into the ball, falls over, curses in pidgey, then returns to his pokéball to sulk and make some Ramen noodles=-  
  
Ash: -=grabs the newly-inhabited pokéball and leaps up into the air=- YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! I caught a caterpie!!!  
  
Roadkill: -=leaps up in front of him, smiling like crazy=- PIKAAAAAAAAAA!!! PikaCHU!!! (YEAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Whoopty-crap!)  
  
Ash: ^_^ -=opens the caterpie's pokéball and invites the little creature to sit on his hand=- Come on out, little fellah! -=the caterpie slinks onto Ash's hand and squeaks shyly at him=- Hehe! You're so cute! I think I'm going to call you Buttercup!  
  
Dexter: ... Ash, you do realize that's a male caterpie, don't you?  
  
Misty: -=peeks in, looking very pale and sickly=- How can you tell?  
  
Dexter: Well, if you look--  
  
Misty: -=gagging sound=- No... I don't to know!!! -=suddenly, Buttercup is shoved into Misty's face=-  
  
Ash: Still think Buttercup is so gross, Misty?  
  
Misty: -=covers her mouth and has a very, very sick look on her face. Really. She doesn't look good at all. I feel really sorry for her... nah, no I don't. Nevermind=- GRK! -=she then dashes off screen where more unhealthy noises are made. Everyone just watches her=-  
  
Narrator: Wow! Lookit that! Noodles, corn chips, bitsa' corn dog...  
  
Roadkill: Pikachu pika! (It just keeps coming!)  
  
{Ugh. Yes. I know how sick this is and I just want to apologize profusely to everyone out there. I'm a bad mysterious doctor.}  
  
-=Misty hobbles back into view, clutching her stomach and looking very sick. Now I actually do feel sorry for the poor kid=-  
  
Misty: I... hate... bugs... UuUuUuurrrgh...  
  
Ash: -=VERY obnoxious tone=- Whassamatter, Misty? Little girly afraid of a little BUG???  
  
Misty: NO, you PEA-BRAIN! I have a chronic phobia of insects! My parents were KILLED by a rampaging silkworm!  
  
-=Buttercup squeaks sadly=-  
  
Roadkill: -=wide-eyed=- Piiika? (Really?)  
  
Misty: No, not really. -=everyone groans=- What? -=looks around irritably=- WHAT? Hey, look, if Ash can just make up whatever stupid crap he wants, so can I! -=an overly dramatic theme song starts to play=- - -; Oh brother...  
  
Jessie: -=does an impressive karaté flip into the scene=- Prepare for TROUBLE!!!  
  
James: -=steps in from behind Jessie (don't ask how), holding a rose, with Meowth perched on his head=- Make that doub--OOH!  
  
-=before James can even finish his line, Buttercup up and spits a thick silk, completely wrapping Team Rocket up in a cocoon=-  
  
James: Eugh!  
  
Meowth: Dat stupid t'ing's pukin' on us! GROSS!!!  
  
Jessie: -=girly giggle=- It's just like silly string!  
  
-=little pause=-  
  
Meowth: -=looks at Jessie=- What is WRONG witchoo, goil? -=gets punched on the head by Jessie. By now, the silk has begun to harden, so now the team is frozen in the position of Jessie clobbering Meowth and James flailing to get out of the way. They all fall to the ground with a loud thud. There is a very long pause=-  
  
Narrator: ... -=cough=-  
  
Ash: -=throws his hands into the air (Buttercup goes hurtling to the sky)=- SUCCESSSSSSSSSSSS!!! Now with Team Rocket out of the way, I can continue on my quest to catch the elusive Robert Denby and put him behind bars!  
  
Dexter: You mean your quest to become a Pokémon Master?  
  
Ash: Huh? Oh. Yeah... That too... -=coughs, then puffs out his chest and starts to march off=- C'MON, ROADKILL! -=Roadkill salutes and goose-steps behind Ash=-  
  
Misty: WAIT!!! -=Ash comes to a wild, sudden stop and falls over on his face. Roadkill does the same, falls over, tumbles over Ash, and lands on his back. Buttercup comes back down and lands right on Roadkill's fuzzy little belly=-  
  
Ash: -=really whiney=- Whaaa~aaaaaat? -=pops up with Roadkill on his head and Buttercup on Roadkill's head. They look like a cartoon totem pole=-  
  
Misty: -=showing a rare moment of sympathy=- We can't just leave Team Rocket here in the middle of Viridian Forest! -=waves her hand in their direction to illustrate her point. Jessie, James, and Meowth all mumble their agreement=-  
  
Roadkill: -=folds his paws=- Pika pikachu? (Why the hell not?)  
  
Ash: Yeah. Why the hell not?  
  
Buttercup: Squee?  
  
Dexter: -=groans=- Ash, even you should know that Viridian Forest is full of beedrill! An extremely dangerous race of pokémon!  
  
Ash: Huh? -=double-blinks, then looks at the corner of the screen=- Hey, Happy-Slappy Jones! Is this true?  
  
Narrator: Huh? Um... Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Don't bother me. I'm ordering a pizza.  
  
Ash: -=narrows one eye=- If Viridian Forest is so dangerous, why didn't you say anything about it before, Misty?  
  
Misty: -=matter-of-factly=- I did.  
  
Ash: ... I... don't remember you saying anything about it...  
  
Misty: You communicate with imaginary space aliens. There's a lot you don't remember.  
  
Ash: ... but... we haven't come across anything dangerous so f--  
  
Misty: SHUT UP!  
  
Ash: -=opens his mouth to say something, gets really confused, and closes his mouth=- ...  
  
Misty: Good. Now help me drag Team Rocket along with us. We need to find some shelter for the night. It's getting dark.  
  
Ash: No it's n--  
  
Misty: SHUT... UP!!!  
  
Ash: ... -=sighs=- okay...  
  
-=Ash and Misty grab Team Rocket and drag them along the trail. Of course, the trio keeps getting their heads knocked against rocks and whatnot along the way=-  
  
Narrator: ...and extra sauce... Huh? Oh um... Watch Pokémon Alpha next week.  
  
-=we see the group in silhouette, trudging along the trail=-  
  
Jessie: OWCH!  
  
James: OOH!  
  
Meowth: ME-YOW!  
  
All 3: END!!!  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
--------------  
  
Next Week on Pokémon Alpha!:  
  
Ash: -=dressed in a salmon suit=- But if I don't get the prunes to the FBI in time, they'll explode!  
  
~~~  
  
Meowth: -=looking really excited=- A lost treasure map???  
  
~~~  
  
James: -=turns his back to a crying Jessie=- Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!  
  
~~~  
  
... or maybe it won't happen. I'm just pulling this out of nowhere, really... 


	7. Episode 6: Mental Challenge of the Samur...

Finally! I've been wanting to write this chapter forever! HAHAH!!!  
... by the way... is ANYONE reading this story? I really hope so! This story's my favorite of anything I've written... -=glare=- if you're not reading, I'll MAKE YOU!!! BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! --Dr. X  
--------------  
  
Pokémon Alpha  
by the Mysterious Dr. X  
  
episode six  
Mental Challenge of the Samurai  
  
-=opening this week's episode is another scene in Viridian Forest. A surprisingly well-kept little log cabin in the middle of the forest, to be exact! The cliché panning close-up of said cabin begins as we hear...=-  
  
Dexter: Hi-ho, everyone! Dexter the PokéDex here! The Narrator's out on his lunch break, so I'm filling in for him at the moment! Now, if you saw the previous episodes, you'll probably remember what happened, but I'm obliged to tell you anyway! So... Ash managed to catch another pokémon (a caterpie), Team Rocket hopped out at us, the caterpie used his string-shot attack, and... well, now we're all at this cabin. I think that pretty much sums it up, don't you? WAUGH!  
  
-=we suddenly see Ash holding Dexter=-  
  
Ash: Okay, Dexter. That's enough... -=reaches up to flip Dexter's power switch=-  
  
Dexter: Wait! No! NO! Please! You don't want to do this! -=as Ash's finger approaches the switch far too slowly and dramatically=- WE WILL BURY YOUUUUUU-- -=click=- UuUuuuuuu.... urgh! -=Dexter shuts off=-  
  
-=the camera pulls back more to show a really nice little room with two beds, a bathroom section, a little desk, some chairs... It looks like a log cabin hotel room. The unbelievable convenience of this is sickening. Ash is sitting on the side of one of the beds, holding Dexter. As Ash makes to return Dexter back to the pocket of his jacket (which is draped over one of the desk chairs), James enters from the bathroom, drying his hair, and shirtless. Several Pokémon Alpha fangirls ogle him and coo. Everyone else gags=-  
  
James: -=obligatory l33t comment=- w00t! We most certainly were lucky to happen upon this astoundingly well-kept little log cabin!  
  
Ash: Complete with hot and cold running water yet!  
  
James: -=nods=- Mm-hmm. It would have been nearly impossible to get that caterpie silk off without it...  
  
Ash: Yeah. Buttercup wanted to apologize for that, by the way...  
  
James: -=smiles and laughs amiably=- Don't worry about it! -=Ash's hand (with Buttercup sitting upon it) cheezily rises up in front of James' face=- Hahaha! Get that thing out of my face...  
  
Ash: Okay -=heaves Buttercup over his shoulder and out the window. You really have to wonder why the little bug likes Ash so much. James starts rummaging through his backpack (that for some reason, we never actually see). Ash, being a weird little schizo, suddenly changes the subject without warning=- Pfft. You know, I'll bet those dumb GIRLS are being all stupid... having a little tea party in their pajamas and stuff! -=James makes a little noise and we see him with a kind of pouty look in his face=-  
  
Ash: What? - -; Do YOU wanna' have a pajama party now?  
  
James: -=we now see him with his backpack. A teapot and pair of PJ's are sticking out of it=- ... n-no... I guess not... -=looks down, all ashamed of himself=-  
  
-=now we're suddenly granted the wonderfully HORRIFYING image of Meowth's face close up as he hisses and snarls like a baby=-  
  
Meowth: OWCH! OW! HEY! DAT HOITS!!!  
  
Jessie: -=in her pajamas, hair wrapped in a towel, and working caterpie silk out of Meowth's fur=- Be quiet, Meowth! If you weren't such a little fraidy-cat, you could have just taken a bath and we wouldn't have to do this!  
  
Meowth: -=wincing and pawing at her=- OW! Don't call me a "fraidy-cat"! It's a well-known fact dat all cats hate wata'! OW!  
  
-=the camera does another pull-back to show Jessie, Misty, Meowth, and Roadkill in a room identical to the one James and Ash were in=-  
  
Misty: -=sitting on one of the beds with Roadkill in her lap=- So, Jessie... Why exactly ARE you three stalking us now?  
  
Jessie: -=sighs=- Oh, our boss told us... -=Meowth's paw comes up to swat at her and she smacks it away=- STOP IT! Anyway, our boss got all cryptic on us and told us to kidnap your pikachu or else...  
  
Roadkill: -=close up with drama-lines around him=- PikAA? O_O  
  
Misty: Well that's kind of dumb. I mean... Pikachu are pretty common. Wouldn't he rather you steal something rare and elusive?  
  
Meowth: -_-; Ya'd t'ink so... but our boss can be kinda' weird sometimes... OWCH!  
  
Jessie: -_-; Yeah... he's a real weirdo...  
  
Misty: -_-; He sounds like it...  
  
Jessie: HEY! -=glares demonically at Misty=- NEVER speak badly of the Boss!!!  
  
Misty: ... but you just did...  
  
Jessie: Did I? -=blinks vacantly for a moment while still picking at Meowth's fur=-  
  
Meowth: Meee-YOWCH!!! DAT REALLY HOIT!!! -=leaps up and starts scratching at Jessie. Jessie shrieks and grabs Meowth and the two of them fall on the floor, fighting like mad. Misty and Roadkill sigh=-  
  
-=Now we see Ash and James again. They are in their pajamas and drinking tea=-  
  
Both: -=putting their hands up to their mouths and giggling like little girls=- TEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!  
  
Ash: -=wiggling his feet=- So come on, James! Whooooo do you like? =^_^= Teehee!!!  
  
James: -=blushing=- No one!  
  
Ash: Nuh-uh! -=holds up Dexter=- Dexter's match-maker program says you have a secret crush!  
  
Dexter: -=painted pink, with a little heart on his screen=- ... -=sigh=- don't hate me for this, folks. i had no say in the matter...  
  
James: -=fidgeting and rubbing his hands together=- Well... I... I... I guess I... kinda' like... Jessie! -=squeals and covers his face in embarrassment. Ash shrieks painfully loud and falls over, laughing and wiggling his feet. Dexter hovers momentarily after Ash collapses, sighs again, and falls down with a "SMACK!"=-  
  
Ash: Ow!  
  
-=we now see outside the cabin again. Through a clearing in the trees, we can see the sun shining down on the cabin. A gunshot is heard and the sun suddenly plummets out of sight and crashes. Then the moon springs up with a "BOIYOING!" sound=-  
  
Dexter: Later that night! -=click=- Aarrrrgh... -=shuts down=-  
  
-=Meowth, Dirty Bird, Roadkill, and Buttercup are all outside, sitting on a tree stump and looking up at the moon. They're all chugging PokéBeers and they're lying on their backs, with huge beer bellies=-  
  
Roadkill: -=narrows his blood-shot eyes. He's very drunk=- PiiIIiIii...kachuuuu... [I don' like the way that mmmoon'sh lookin' at me...]  
  
Dirty Bird: -=belches loudly and lets out a string of pidgey curse-words about the moon=-  
  
Meowth: -=also very drunk with bloodshot eyes=- Stupid moon! T'inkin' it's betta' dan alla' us! I sssshay we go beat it up!!!  
  
-=the pokémon all cheer for Meowth's brilliant plan=-  
  
Buttercup: Squeeee~ SQUEE SQUEE!!! Squeee~eeeee? -=since, for some reason, we're not allowed to have a translation of what Buttercup ever says, we're just given this image of Buttercup as a beautiful butterfly, flying up to see the moon. It's all very touching and gives us the concept that Buttercup dreams of some day being a creature of beauty=-  
  
Meowth: -=uninspired=- Yeah... dat's, uh... pretty heavy, dere, Buttacup... -=Dirty Bird bounces an empty beer can off Buttercup's head and they all laugh drunkenly=-  
  
-=the next day, all of the humans wake up bright and early and head outside to start their journey anew=-  
  
Ash: Now back to our Pokémon Adventure™!  
  
Misty: Wow, Ash! You actually remembered what was going on for once!  
  
Ash: -=nods=- The voices in my head reminded me!  
  
Jessie: -=squeals=- You have voices in your head too! What do they sound like? Mine sound like Tony the Tiger and Cap'n Crunch!  
  
Ash: Really? Mine sound like rampaging demons!  
  
-=before we get a chance to be disturbed by this, James speaks up=-  
  
James: Well, we'd better be on our separate way so we can pop up out of nowhere and surprise you and then fail miserably to steal your pokémon later on...  
  
Jessie: -=nods=- You're right. -=turns to look at the pokémon, all hungover by the stump=- Come on, Meowth!  
  
Meowth: -=clutching his head in pain=- Oyyyy... whut did I do last night? -=Jessie and James pick him up and dash off=-  
  
Both: AWAY! -=James flings a rose behind him as they leave. Misty shakes her head=-  
  
Misty: Idiots...  
  
Ash: -=walks over to his pokèmon, clapping his hands=- Okay, everyone! Hop to it! Time to get back on the road!  
  
Roadkill: PikaaaaAAaaAAaa... [Ohhh... my head...]  
  
Dirty Bird: -=flailing around=- Pirdiee... pirrrrrrdie! [I'm DYYYYYIN'!]  
  
Ash: That's nice. Now where's Buttercup? -=looks around=- Buttercup? Buuuuuttercu- -=gasp=- DEAR SWEET HEAVENLY ICTHUS NO!!!!  
  
Misty: -=groans and looms over his shoulder=- What now, wonder-boy?  
  
Ash: -=screams with tears running down his face and points to the stump, where there now sits a weird green shell=- BUTTERCUP'S BEEN EATEN BY A FOSSILIZED FROG TURD!!!  
  
-=a very angry growl is heard from Ash's pocket=-  
  
Dexter: Ash... that's a metapod... it's the cocoon stage of a caterpie... it turns into that BEFORE reaching its adult stage, you GREAT THUNDERING SIMPLETON!!!  
  
Ash: -=picks up the metapod and shakes it vigorously, with a look of madness in his eyes=- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH BUTTERCUP, YOU FIEND??? AH! WON'T TALK, EH? WELL WE'LL SEE HOW WELL YOU HOLD UP AGAINST THE AWESOME POWER OF MY MIND!!! -=he sticks his tongue out and narrows his eyes, trying to explode the thing with his imaginary psychic powers. Misty clocks him on the back of the head and Ash passes out=-  
  
-=finally, our "heroes" are back on the road to Pewter City again=-  
  
Ash: -=with Roadkill riding atop his head, as usual=- Hey, Misty... if Viridian Forest is so dangerous, why did we let Team Rocket just run off earlier? Wouldn't it be safer to stay together?  
  
Misty: I never said Viridian Forest was dangerous.  
  
Ash: Yes you did! -=flails his arms around again=- You said it was inhabited by really dangerous pokémon!  
  
Misty: I never said that! Viridian Forest is perfectly safe, you little weirdo! GEEZE! What goes on in that demented little head of yours, anyway?  
  
Ash: B-b-but... But I... -=his right eye twitches. Roadkill pats his head condescendingly. Suddenly, a mysterious voice causes Ash and Misty to stop in their tracks. (Roadkill, of course, tumbles off of Ash's head)=-  
  
Voice: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, LLLLLLADIES!!!  
  
-=the trio whirls around and stares in awe as a shamefully tubby little cartoon devil literally rolls out of the flora and onto the trail. He's your typical cartoon devil. Completely red. Little horns. Pot belly. No pants. His red, chunky butt is especially disturbing. He's also wearing a samurai helmet for no discernable reason=-  
  
Misty: -=as Roadkill perches once more on Ash's head=- Who are YOU supposed to be?  
  
Red Guy: -=places a hand on his chest, very pompous=- I am Samurai! -=hops up suddenly and shrieks at the top of his lungs=- LORD OF THE BEES!!! -=lands back on his feet and bats his wrist at Ash and Misty=- And I wish to challenge you to a -=very giddy=- POKéMON BATTLE! Oh yes!  
  
Ash, Misty, and Roadkill: ...  
  
Red Guy: -=bugs his yellowy eyes out and grins while biting his bottom lip. He looks extra-stupid. He then pulls a jar of bees out from behind his back and opens it=-  
  
Ash, Misty, and Roadkill: ...  
  
Red Guy: -=points wildly at our heroes=- BEEDRILL!!! -=sing-song=- Atta~aaaaaaack! -=laughs maliciously and bounces up and down on his butt=-  
  
Ash, Misty, and Roadkill: ... -=blink=-  
  
Red Guy: -=as the bees turn to look at him=- Hrmm? Whoa! Steady now, MEN! What are you doing??? -=they all swarm around him and attack him savagely=- AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! NO! NOOOOO!!! OOH! OH NO! PLEASE!!! AAARRGH!!! -=sounds like he likes it now=- oh... hmm... ooh...  
  
Ash, Misty, and Roadkill: ... -=look at each other, raise their eyebrows in collective confusion, then turn and head toward Pewter City=-  
  
Narrator: Man, good pizza. Okay, so where are we? Oh right! Um... -=panning shot of Pewter City, a nice-enough looking place even if it is all shades of grey=- And so our heroes have reached Pewter City! Soon, Ash will have succeeded in his first official pokémon victory! But what about Team Rocket? What sort of evil plans are they scheming?  
  
-=Jessie, James, and Meowth's faces poke out of a tiny bush by the side of the road. The bush is really small and should barely be big enough for Meowth to hide behind, let alone all three of them=-  
  
Meowth: -=as Ash walks past the "Welcome to Pewter City" sign=- Dat pikachu is ours! -=sneaky laugh=- Heh heh heh...  
  
James: -=really goofy=- Eeeehehehehe...  
  
Jessie: -=cackles=- Hahahahahahaaaa!~  
  
Narrator: Tune in next week for more of Ash's exciting adventures in... Pokémon Alpha!!!   
  
-=the scene fades out... then irises back in to show Red Guy, who is now grotesquely swollen=-  
  
Red Guy: Ooooh... seems I'm a little... allergic to yellow jackets! -=giggles in a "silly me" way and the camera irises back out=-  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
-=Dragnet theme=-  
Officer Jenny: Ash's third and fourth crimes were seen here... Breaking and entering of the log cabin, which was actually inhabited by a man named Flint Lee. Flint was merely out on business for the day and was none too happy about returning to a messy cabin, I can tell you! The other crime was allowing underage pokémon to drink!  
  
-=little pause=-  
  
Officer Jenny: -=sighs=- Sorry... I know those crimes weren't as funny as the last ones... I... I'm trying as hard as I can here... It's tough, you know? -=sniffles=- I'M SO SORRY!!! -=runs off, crying=-  
  
Red Guy: END!!! 


	8. Episode 7: Showdown at Pewter City

Okay, fair warning. There's a character in here with a REALLY strong Japanese accent. It's pretty offensive if you don't take it in the right way. I just meant it in harmless fun and I seriously don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. Trust me, with this story, you're seriously going to have to take everything lightly or a lot of feelings are going to be hurt. Um, anyway... Yeah. I don't have anything against Japanese people, I just thought it'd be fun to use a really fakey accent in this episode. --Dr. X  
  
--------------  
  
Pokémon Alpha  
  
by the Mysterious Dr. X  
  
episode seven  
  
Showdown at Pewter City  
  
Narrator: Previously on Pokémon Alpha, our heroes and Team Rocket called a temporary truce in the interests of surviving the dangerous Viridian Forest... Well... Really it was just because the author has a weird concept of what's supposed to be funny. Anyway, Buttercup expressed his desire with the other pokémon to grow to be a beautiful butterfree. None of them were very impressed. Nonetheless, Buttercup entered the metapod (or cocoon) stage during the night... And, um... Team Rocket went off to do bad guy stuff again... And... This weird red guy hopped out at Ash and Misty and made an idiot of himself... And... Stuff... Anyway, here's Team Rocket. I need a beer.  
  
-=Jessie, James, and Meowth are digging a big ol' stinkin' hole in the middle of the dirt path into Pewter City. Meowth looks up for a moment=-  
  
Meowth: Is it just me, or does he always talk like dat?  
  
Jessie: -=pops up out of the ditch=- Like what? -=wipes some sweat from her forehead and takes the chance to straighten her back (accompanied with lots of painful-sounding cracks)=-  
  
Meowth: -=waving his paw about in the air=- Ya' know! Ova-explainin' stuff and repeatin' everyt'ing we do! As if dere's people watchin' us or sumtin!  
  
James: -=pops up and shrugs=- Yeah, I suppose. I guess I've just gotten used to it. -=cracks his back as well. It's even more unsettling the second time=-  
  
Meowth: Hmm... -=shrugs=- Oh well! Back ta' woik! -=yanks a pickaxe out of nowhere and hops into the hole, then starts singing horribly=- Sixteen tons... an' whaddaya' get...  
  
Jessie and James: -=return to digging as well=- Another day older an' deeper in debt...  
  
-=suddenly, Ash's voice is heard=-  
  
Ash: HEY MISTY! Just WHEN are we going to get to Pewter City anyway?  
  
Misty: -=if we could see her, she'd be surrounded in horrible, angry flames of doom=- We'll be there soon enough!  
  
Dexter: ... I thought we just reached Pewter in the last episode?  
  
Roadkill: Pichak. [Shut up.]  
  
-=The heroes step into view. Ash suddenly gasps at the sight of the Pewter City sign=-  
  
Ash: -=pointing wildly=- LAND HO! AVAST YE SLOBS!!!  
  
Misty: Huh? -=she magically transforms from a rampaging, snarling demon to a cute little girl (but we all know the truth)=- Oh! -=innocent smile as she clasps her hands and giggles=- We're here!   
  
Ash: -=leaps up dramatically with one fist clenched in the air=- Alright! Let's go! -=he grabs Misty's hand and zooms forward...=-  
  
Misty: AGK!  
  
-=...and instantly tumbles into the hole that Team Rocket was digging. Of course, it's a painfully obvious hole in the middle of the road, but our stupid heroes didn't even see it there, and our stupid villains didn't even overhear Ash and Misty screaming their heads off above 'em=-  
  
Misty and Ash: AAAAGH! -=thud=-  
  
Jessie, James, and Meowth: GAAAAH! -=clanking as Misty and Ash land on them=-  
  
-=Roadkill walks into the scene, looks into the hole, shrugs, and hops in too. Now all we can see is this gaping ditch in the road and nothing else. The inability to see anyone while they're talking just gets funnier and funnier=-  
  
Ash: Oh! Hi, guys! Where'd the omelette go?  
  
James and Jessie: What?  
  
Ash: Sorry. The pencil-seller probably hasn't spoken to you about it yet...  
  
Misty: -=groans=- Look, what are you idiots doing here anyway?  
  
Meowth: Um... We... weren't digging a hole trap to catch you guys an' steal your pikachu...  
  
Roadkill: Pichu cha pikupachi.  
  
-=Jessie and James gasp=-  
  
James: Watch your language around a lady!  
  
Jessie: Foul-mouthed little rat!  
  
-=A slapping sound is heard. Lightning shoots out from the hole=-  
  
Jessie: EAAAAAAARRRRGH!!! -=thud=-  
  
James: -=squeals=- JESSIE! JESSIE, MY LOVE! SPEAK TO ME!!!  
  
Misty: ... uh huh. So you guys actually thought we'd fall for a hole trap?  
  
Meowth: HEY! IT'S A CLASSIC CARTOON GAG!  
  
Dexter: Besides... we did fall for it...  
  
Ash: I was just about to say that.  
  
Meowth: So, um... Can we have Roadkill?  
  
Ash: Okay, sure! No wait... No, you can't. Sorry.  
  
Meowth: Please?  
  
Ash: Nnnnnaaaaaahhhh... Sorry. Look, I gotta' go challenge the gymleader here and warn the mayer about the oncoming flood of muskrats, so... -=Ash climbs up out of the ditch with Roadkill on his head. Misty follows=-  
  
Meowth: No! Wait! WAIIIIIIT!!!  
  
-=James pops up, shaking his fist=-  
  
James: Come back here, you fiend! You'll pay for your brutal treatment of the fair Jessica Rose!  
  
Jessie: -=pops up, looking really spaced-out thanks to being zapped by a psychotic rat=- Don't worry, Jamesshhh... I'm sssshhhhtill good to drive... -=shakes her head=- I mean... YEAH! I demand to be treated like a lady, dammit!  
  
-=far too quickly for us to really get a laugh out of her use of rather unlady-like language, Team Rocket leap out of the ditch and tackle Ash and Roadkill. There's a lot of scuffling around and a resulting cartoon fight-cloud from which Dexter flies out. Misty is just standing there during all of this and catches the flying PokéDex=-  
  
Dexter: Thanks, Misty.  
  
Misty: No problem, Dex.  
  
-=Misty and Dexter just watch as the fightcloud tumbles around and around. Suddenly, a gruff voice with a shamefully overdone Japanese accent is heard...=-  
  
Voice: Wercome to Pewta' City! Grey as stone it is built upon! Now get offa' my freakin' rocks!!!  
  
-=suddenly, the fight ends and the combatants are frozen in place. James has Ash pinned to the ground. Jessie's strangling Roadkill. Ash has one hand gripping Jessie's ankle, and the other gripping Meowth's tail. Meowth... is biting his own left foot=-  
  
James: EEEEEEEE!!! Where did that voice come from?  
  
Meowth: You hoid it too? -=looks fearfully into James' eyes=- Good god! Da' offensive ethnic slurs must be back!!!  
  
Misty: -=puts one hand on her hip and narrows one eye=- Excuse me?  
  
Jessie: Oh, you see, we used to have this badly-stereotyped Italian man stalking us.  
  
Meowth: -=the tone of his voice is that of pure fear=- Da' dude kept askin' me if I wanted a "pizza pie-a!"  
  
-=a strong-looking Japanese man with a grey beard and hiking gear walks up to the gang and bows respectfully=-  
  
Man: Konnichiwa! I am preased to meet you, young chirdren. My name is Frint!  
  
Ash: Frint? -=snicker=-  
  
Flint: What?  
  
Dexter: You said "Frint."  
  
Flint: No, I say "Frint."  
  
Dexter: That's what I said: "Frint."  
  
Flint: No, "Frint," with an L.  
  
Ash: OH! You mean "Flint!"  
  
Flint: Dat is what I said: "Frint."  
  
Meowth: Whut is dis, a Pink Pantha' movie? -=Jessie whaps Meowth upside the head to shut him up=-  
  
James: If you don't mind my saying, sir, "Flint" isn't much of a Japanese name.  
  
Flint: Ord Japanese proverb say: "A wise man serdom speaks."  
  
Misty: What's that mean?  
  
Flint: It means "mind your own business!"  
  
-=everyone nods, saying "Ohhhhhhhh..."=-  
  
Roadkill: Pika pikachu pika?  
  
Meowth: Hey, yeah! Whaddaya doin' hea'h anyway?  
  
Flint: Oh yes! You are standing on my rocks!  
  
All: -=blinkblink=- "Rocks?"  
  
Flint: Yes! -=he points to their feet, where we can see that they are standing on a pile of rocks with a sign saying "¥5 each." Everyone hops off and looks at the rocks=- See? Five yin fo' rock! You buy?  
  
James: -=rubs his chin=- Hmm... tempting offer... -=Jessie whaps him upside the head=- OW!  
  
Misty: Five "yin?" Mister, this is Kanto Island, not Japan!  
  
Flint: Rearry? ... No wonda' sares so row!  
  
-=everyone looks at Flint and raises an eyebrow. Roadkill twirls his paw around by his head and rolls his eyes around. Meowth nods agreeingly=-  
  
Ash: Well, it's been nice meeting you, Mr. Flint, but we have to be going! My pikachu and I are going to be the world's greatest Pokémon Team -=Flint's voice is heard saying "HAH! I'll berieve THAT when I see it!"=- and we have to go to the gym to win a badge!  
  
Flint: OH! You ret me herlp? Pokémon started in Japan! I know rots of secrets!   
  
-=everyone grins and starts to laugh=-  
  
Everyone: Surrrrrre it did!  
  
Dexter: -=snicker=- Crazy old loon...  
  
Misty: Thanks a lot, homeless raving derelict, but I know a lot about pokémon. We'll be alright. -=she grabs Ash by the arm, who smiles at Flint as though the old guy's going to be his next victim, and waves goodbye. Roadkill follows=-  
  
-=There's a pause while Team Rocket just stands there, oblivious to the fact that maybe they should try stealing Roadkill again.=-  
  
James: Say, Mr. Flint? Would you be willing to part with that nice black-and-grey rock? -=Jessie grabs James by the hair and pulls him away. It looks like a 3 Stooges bit=- OW OW OW OW!!!  
  
-=the scene fades out and then back in a moment later in front of a large building resembling a boulder (of all things). Above the front doors are the words "Pewter Gym." Ash is heard complaining as Misty walks to the scene, dragging him by the arm=-  
  
Ash: -=flailing about like crazy=- NO! NO! I WON'T GO! THE DOUGHBOYS LIVE THERE!!! THEY KNOW MY DARK SECRET!!! -=Misty lets go as Roadkill hops onto her shoulder. Ash yanks Roadkill away from her, then marches defiantly into the gym=- Weirdo...  
  
Misty: -=her eye is twitching as Ash walks into the gym=- Steady, Misty. Steady, girl... Wait until he pays back for the bike... -=a little devil-Misty appears on her left shoulder=-  
  
Devil Misty: Yesssss... Yessss... And then, we shall kill him! -=cackles=- We'll make it slow... painnnnnfulllll...  
  
-=An angel-Misty now appears=-  
  
Angel Misty: Shame, shame! We'll have to kill him QUICKLY! The longer we delay his death, the longer we prolong all misery on this planet!  
  
-=All three Misties nod, then the angel and devil vanish as she walks into the gym, a lead pipe raised in her hands=-  
  
-=We now see inside the dimly-lit gym. The only light in the room comes from the still-open doorway and all that can be seen are Ash and Roadkill's silhouettes=-  
  
Roadkill: Ka pikachee chu pika? [%@$#, who forgot to pay the light bill?]  
  
-=Misty's silhouette is now seen looming over Ash. Her eyes glint maliciously as she raises the lead pipe. Suddenly, a spotlight beams in the end of the room. Reacting to the sudden light, Misty shrieks, then hisses and falls back into the shadows. The light then falls upon the single figure of a young Japanese man in a muscleshirt and faded green jeans with spiked hair, seated on a large rock. He leaps down dramatically -as all Japanese cartoon characters do- complete with the overdone action lines behind him. He lands kneeling on one knee and what can be seen of his squinted eyes seem to sparkle=-  
  
Young Man: -=Without a ridiculous accent, thank the Maker=- What brings you to the Pewter City gym?  
  
Ash: My feet. But enough about that! -=suddenly shakes the guy's hand way too vigorously=- Pleased to meet you, Mr. Brock! I'm Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town and I wanna' be the world's best pokémon trainer and you're my hero did you know that because you're so cool and you're the Pewter City gym leader and you have all those cool rock pokémon and...   
  
Brock: Please be quiet. -=Ash shuts up as Brock rises on his feet and looks calculatingly at Roadkill=- ... You wish to win a badge from me? -=Ash nods rapidly=- I should hope you have a better pokémon than that baby pikachu. -=Roadkill growls and his fur stands up on end=- Nevertheless, as an official gymleader, it is my job to accept all challenges. If I'm too tough for you, let me know. I'd hate to really hurt your little pokémon. -=Roadkill flips Brock off. Ash sort of blinks disparagingly as Brock claps his hands and the lights shut on all over the gym, revealing an enormous, cave-like room=-  
  
Dexter: Hey! He has the Clapper!  
  
-=Just as he's about to say something, Brock blinks at Misty and knits his brow=-  
  
Brock: Misty? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at the g--  
  
Misty: Mention that place and I rip your lungs out!  
  
Brock: -=shrugs=- Fair enough... -=he then returns to his side of the gym. Ash just keeps standing in place smiling stupidly while listening to classical music in his mind=- Rocky, let him have it! -=Brock tosses a ball into the field, out of which pops a geodude: a floating rock-like creature with big muscular arms and a grumpy face=-  
  
Ash: -=an audible record-skipping sound is heard and he snaps back into reality=- Finally! Ready to fight, Roadie?   
  
Roadkill: -=nods=- Pika! [Sure. As long as I get to toast squinty over there...]  
  
Ash: Alright, zap that thing with your ThunderShock! -=Roadkill nods, puts on a single white glove and a pair of shades, and scuffs his feet on the floor backwards in order to gain static. After this bad joke, he leaps up and sends an electrical bolt directly at the rock... nothing happens. Misty cackles demonically=-  
  
Roadkill: KA!? [-=I'm not going to translate what he said. It's far too filthy=-]  
  
Ash: Hey! I thought electricity worked well on rock!  
  
Brock: What gave you that ridiculous idea?  
  
Ash: Well, you know... electric things always have to be... grounded... and... boy I feel dumb...  
  
Brock: -=nods=- You should. Rocky, MegaPunch.  
  
Rocky: Geo--- -=raises its fist and clobbers Roadkill into the wall=-  
  
Roadkill: PikaaaaaAAAAAA--OOF!!! -=slams into said wall, causing a pikachu-shaped crater. Everyone runs up to look=-  
  
Misty: Roadkill, are you okay?  
  
-=Roadkill holds out a thumbs-up and grins with only 3 teeth left in his little head. Ash flips out Dexter in hopes of a good hint=-  
  
Ash: Dexter! What should I do?  
  
Dexter: Oh! Fine! Ask the PokéDex now! Well, I ain't tellin' you, kid! So hah!  
  
Ash: Dexter! No fair! -=he cries, flailing his arm around while Dexter laughs nasally, just like the Phantom of Krankor=-  
  
Misty: Oh for pete's sake... Ash, rock pokémon are weak against water and ground attacks.  
  
Ash: -=sniff=- But... but I don't have anything like that...  
  
-=Misty shrugs=-  
  
Dexter: Sucks to be you.  
  
Brock: Any other attacks, kid?  
  
Ash: -=grumble=- No... -=he picks up Roadkill, who is now singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in Pikachu=- You win this round, old man! But soon I'll return stronger than ever! Faster, smarter, and with a refreshing mint flavor! Come on, Road... Let us leave this place and never return... -=He starts to walk out, but Brock quickly grabs his attention. Don't worry, he gives it back a few minutes later=-  
  
Brock: Hey... hold on... -=Ash turns around=- Hey, just to show there's no hard feelings, why don't you stay the night at my place?  
  
Misty: Brock, are you sure about that? I mean you've got what? 20 siblings?  
  
Brock: Twenty-three. Plus that lazy college buddy of mine, but who's counting?  
  
Dexter: TWENTY-THREE SIBLINGS?  
  
Brock: My parents were very loving.  
  
Misty: Obviously...  
  
-=Ash looks very confused and looks at Dexter for an answer=-  
  
Ash: I don't get it, Dex. What's that got to do with anything?  
  
Dexter: Uh... heh... Misty? ^_^;  
  
Misty: Uh... I... um... ASK YOUR MOM!  
  
Brock: Well how about it? You guys coming?  
  
Misty: You bet!  
  
Dexter: Sounds good to me.  
  
Ash: Count me in!  
  
Roadkill: [Why then oh why... can't... I.......?]  
  
Narrator: -=as everyone leaves the gym=- Well, Ash has failed to defeat Brock, the first of the PokéLeague gymleaders, but he will try again. As for now, Brock has been kind enough to offer his home to the travelers for the night. Will Ash defeat Brock in their next tournament? Will we find out why Brock was so surprised to see Misty? Will Ash ask his mom what loving parents have to do with 23 kids? Tune in next time for... Pokémon Alpha!  
  
To Be--  
  
Voice: WAAIIIIIIT!!! -=Red Guy runs up in the black screen=-  
  
Red: Oh hello there, friends! It's ME, -=giddy laugh=- Heh... Red... You know, no animals were hurt in the making of this film... Roadkill is perfectly alright... However... MY FEELINGS WERE HURT! Last episode was miserable! Oh sure, my entrance was okay, but then there were those BEES! Do you know how HARD it is to get that many stingers out of your BUTT? Ohhhh life's not fair! Okay, you can end now. -=insane laughter=-  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
Red: END!!! 


	9. Episode 8: Of Strangers and Freeloaders

Okay, okay. I admit it. I cheated on this episode and the previous one. They're basically just touched-up versions of chapters I wrote for the original "Pokémon Alpha" series. Oh well... they're pretty funny and I never posted them before so no one will know... Oh, crap! I already told you I cheated! Now you all know my dark secret! DON'T LOOK AT ME!!! DON'T LOOK AT MEEEEE!!! -=runs away, crying=- --Dr. X  
  
--------------  
  
Pokémon Alpha  
  
by the Mysterious Dr. X  
  
episode eight  
  
Of Strangers and Freeloaders  
  
-=The Narrator's voice is heard over a shot of a single, solitary door. Nothing special=-  
  
Narrator: Having reached the Pewter City Gym in the last episode, Ash made the usual complete imbecile of himself and failed splendidly to defeat the leader of the gym. Taking note of Ash's mental instability, Brock invited Ash and Misty to stay at his house for the night under the pretense of showing Ash that he was a good sport... But mainly because he was afraid that Ash, without adult supervision, would end up killing himself with a blunt object.  
  
-=Brock walks up to the door and pulls a keychain from his pocket. Ash, Misty, and Roadkill just pop up behind his back=-  
  
Brock: Well, here we are. I warn you, though... be careful when I open the door...  
  
Ash: Why?  
  
Brock: You'll see... -=there is a huge blast of ominous music. Misty looks upward=-   
  
Misty: QUIT IT!!!  
  
Narrator: No! I can play scary music if I want to! Mommy always told me I couldn't, but she's not here, is she? Well who's laughin' now, Mommy? Who's laughin' now??? BWAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! -=gunshot=- AWRK!!! -=thud=-  
  
  
  
-=The music ceases abruptly. Everyone but Ash steps away as Brock opens the door and roughly 12 children of various ages burst from the doorway. Ash is trampled by the ravenous youngsters=-  
  
Ash: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! x_X -=falls over, and we see his hand rise up helplessly, then get trampled as well=-  
  
Kids: HI, BROCK!!! -=clinging to him=-  
  
Roadkill: -=sitting atop Misty's head=- Ka pi pikachu pika. [Those must be Brock's siblings.]  
  
Dexter: -=in Misty's pocket simply to explain why he's not being crushed=- Or just some very confused children...  
  
Brock: -=laughing as he pushes the pile of kids off of himself=- Okay, guys! Get off!  
  
-=as the kids reluctantly climb off of Brock, one little girl looks down and points at Ash=-  
  
Girl: Who's he, Brock?  
  
Brock: -=brushing himself off=- That's Ash, Katrina. He came to my gym today and I invited him to stay here for the night... -=whispers to her=- I don't trust him to survive a night by himself... or with Misty. She acts like she wants to kill him...  
  
Misty: -=eyes roll back while she speaks backwards=- !eid tsum yob muhcteK ehT  
  
Brock: Yyyyeah... -=helps Ash up=- You okay, Ash?  
  
Ash: -=shivers, completely covered in filthy little footprints=- Their horrible little feet... they were all over me... -=shiver=- I feel so defiled!  
  
Katrina: -=blinks at Ash=- Kinda' dumb, isn't he?  
  
Brock: Well...  
  
Roadkill: Pi. [Yes.]  
  
Misty: Yep.  
  
Dexter: Hoooo, yeah...  
  
Brock: -=nods=- Yeah, he's an idiot.  
  
Ash: My mommy's been to France!  
  
Brock: Yeah... Well, guys, come on in. -=picks up Katrina and walks inside followed by Misty, who's pulling a raving Ash along by the collar=-  
  
Ash: -=looking into the sky and shaking his fist at a passing cloud=- Sample my FIST, you community theater reject! -=is pulled into the house=- Aw, my new friend went away! -=looks around and sees all the kids running around=- Wow! That's a lotta' kids! Are we having Beefaroni tonight?  
  
-=two 13-year old boys in baggy jeans and grey shirts run up to Brock=-  
  
Boy 1: Yo, Brockster! When are we gettin' ta' eat?  
  
Boy 2: Yeah, man! The natives are startin' ta' get restless! -=points to 5 goofy-looking island warrior types=-  
  
Natives: -=hooting and hollering=- 'Ey, mon! Where da' food aroun' hyah?  
  
Boy 1: And everyone else is getting hungry too...  
  
-=all the kids in the room start talking at once. It looks a lot like that scene in Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life" CD-ROM game=-  
  
Kids: -=various babbling and whatnot=- Yeah, restless! We're hungry! Gotta' eat!  
  
One Voice That Is Heard Over Them All: #$%@, boy! Where's mah dinnah?  
  
Brock: Oh for cryin' out loud... -=sigh=- Make yourselves at home, folks. I've got to get busy on dinner...  
  
Misty, Ash, Roadkill, and Dexter: Kay! -=Brock walks off to the kitchen as they explore the house=-  
  
Roadkill: -=taps a girl's knee=- Pika. Chu pika pikachu? [Hey kid. Ya' gotta' TV?]  
  
Girl: Awww! Wookit da pikachu!  
  
Roadkill: Chapi pikacha pikachu chu. [Yeah, I'm adorable. Where's the TV?]  
  
Girl: -=picks him up=- You'we so cyuuuuuuuuuuute!!!  
  
Roadkill: ... kapikachu pika pika... [I'm giving you 5 seconds to tell me where the TV is...]  
  
Girl: -=hugs him tightly=- I wuv pikachus!  
  
Roadkill: PIKACHU PI PIKA KACHU!!! [WHERE'S THE BLANKETY-BLANK TV, YOU LITTLE--] -=squeals with delight as he sees over the sofa and spies the huge big-screen TV. He then hops out of her hands and onto the sofa. Hey, you don't think I'm cruel enough to make him zap an innocent little kid, do you?=-  
  
Roadkill: PIKACHU!!! Chaku pikacha picha chu! [ALRIGHT!!! Now where's the Discovery Channel? Roadie needs to see some hot pokémon-mating action!]  
  
-=he looks for the remote and realizes he's now sitting on a sketchbook upon which is being drawn a deeply elaborate picture of a wild horse. The artist's hand has obviously been disturbed by having a large rodent leap on it and the picture is ruined. Roadkill blinks up at the artist: an angry 25-year-old man with dark green hair, an orange T-shirt with a black stripe, a red headband, and brown knee-length shorts=-  
  
Man: AAAARGH!! You stupid rat!!! My picture is ruined!!!  
  
Roadkill: -=looks down at the picture, then looks back at the guy=- Kapi pika chu pikachu pikacha... [If you ask me, it looked like crap to begin with...]  
  
Man: -=screams maniacally and strangles him=- Have you no respect for the hours of work and research that went into that drawing??? HUH??? HAVE YOU??? ANSWER ME, DAMN YOUR LINT-INFESTED SOUL!!! -=finally stops throttling Roadie, but still has his fist tightly clenched around the now-unconscious beast's throat=- SALLY!!!  
  
-=The little girl freezes as she was currently trying to tiptoe away=-  
  
Sally: Y-yes, Twacey? -=she looks around nervously=-  
  
Tracey: -=snarls and shoves Roadkill in her face=- What was THIS doing on the sofa?  
  
Sally: Oh, well Bwock invited some people to spend da' night hewe...  
  
Tracey: AGAIN??? Criminey, there's already 25 of us living here!  
  
Sally: -=matter-of-factly=- There'd be 24 if you'd leave.  
  
Tracey: -=we still see Sally's face, but hear his voice=- Shut up.  
  
-=the scene instantly switches to Brock slaving away at the stove when Tracey literally kicks the kitchen door down=-  
  
Tracey: -=while everything quickly becomes black-and-white=- BROOOOOOCK!!! YOU GOTTA' SOME 'SPLAININ' TA DOOOOOO!!!  
  
-=People are heard cheering and clapping. The Patty Duke Show theme music begins to play and voices start singing to the tune...=-  
  
Voices: -=over a close-up of Brock, who's looking around for the voices, then smiles like an idiot at the audience and shrugs with a "here we go again!" expression=- Oh, Brock inherited his father's gym... He likes to ogle girls and he always squints...  
  
Voices: -=now over a close-up of Tracey who's doing the same stupid expression=- And Tracey lives a life of ease... There'd be 24 if he would leave... -=he suddenly looks really irritated=- What a crazy pair!   
  
Voices: -=over a shot of Brock and Tracey together, grinning like morons=- 'Cuz they're roomies! Best buddies! Together all the way... -=shows Brock=- Original character... -=shows Tracey=- Mid-season replacement... -=a yin-yang with Brock in one side and Tracey in the other. It just keeps getting dumber and dumber, folks...=- Different as night and day...  
  
Voices: -=Tracey is sitting around on the sofa, eating snacks and watching TV=- Now, Tracey sits around and never works... Everyone says he's a lousy jerk...  
  
Voices: -=Brock shown running around the house, doing various errands. The voices get really off-track...=- While Brock does all the work around the house, though he has grandiose dreams of being a pokémon breeder and finding Ms. Right, but the chances of that are so incredibly low that he'll probably have an emotional breakdown at the age of 30...  
  
Voices: -=Brock freaks out and falls over, writhing around in a bout of insanity=- Sad, isn't it? -=they get back on track as Tracey walks in, looks down at him and shrugs with a dumb smile=- 'Cuz they're roomies... -=we now see Brock looking really cheezed-off. He's wearing some goofy fraternity robe as is Tracey, who's leaning against him and is very drunk=- Frat buddies, together all the time... -=Frat-Brother Tracey eats a live goldfish, making Brock get sick enough to run off screen and throw up=-  
  
Voices: -=We now see Tracey and Brock (both wearing the same outfit) walk past a doorway on opposite sides and do the old skit like they're looking into a mirror=- They dress alike... -=we now see Tracey as a court jester=- They jest alike... -=he holds up a ventriloquist dummy of Brock=- You can lose your mind when roomies... are two of a kinnnnnnd... -=we now see a title card for a sitcom entitled "Brock & Tracey!" while we hear the Narrator say "Brock and Tracey is filmed in front of a live studio audience"=-  
  
-=Back to Brock and Tracey, who are still in black and white=-  
  
Brock: Oh, hi, Trace. What's up? -=a laughtrack plays=-  
  
Tracey: Look, buster! -=brandishes a pencil in Brock's face=- What's the big idea inviting MORE people to room here? There's already 25 of us here, you know!  
  
Brock: -=moves Tracey's hand away and goes back to dinner=- There'd be 24 if you'd leave. -=laughtrack=-  
  
Tracey: Look, I'm only living here 'till I can get a job!  
  
Brock: Funny how you've been saying that since college. -=the audience goes "OOOOoOoOOOOOH!" as if Brock just said a really harsh zinger=-  
  
-=at this time, Ash enters the kitchen, welcomed by more cheering and clapping=-  
  
Ash: I don't suppose dinner's ready yet, huh?  
  
Tracey: Oh boy! ANOTHER one of our new boarders! -=laughtrack=-  
  
Ash: -=blink=- Uh... who are you?  
  
Tracey: Tracey Sketchitt, freelance artist. You?  
  
Ash: Ash Ketchum, freelance... uh... -=he blinks stupidly and looks out from the doorway=- HEY, MISTY!!! What am I, anyway?  
  
Misty's Voice: A MORON!!! -=laughtrack=-  
  
Ash: -=nods and holds his hand out=- Ash Ketchum! Freelance moron! -=even more laughter=-  
  
Tracey: -=narrows his eyes=- You honestly expect me to shake your hand... HOMEWRECKER??? -="OoOOoOOOOOh!"=-  
  
Ash: Huh? -=looks at his hand=- Oh, that. Nah. This is an exercise I do to see if I can remember how to move my fingers... -=squints his eyes and sticks his tongue out, obviously concentrating deeply. His arm shakes around a lot and finally his fingers wiggle around. He sighs calmly=- Ah, there we go...  
  
Tracey: ... -=looks at the audience=- I hate my life... -=laughtrack plays again as the "I Love Lucy" heart encircles him and the "Brock and Tracey" theme plays again. The credits roll by and then we hear Tracey's voice...=-  
  
Tracey: END!!!  
  
To Be Continued... 


	10. Episode 9: Animal Cruelty and Other Fun ...

Let me just say for the record that I am pretty ashamed of the language used in this and a few of my other stories. Yes... In all honesty, it's pretty funny seeing Roadkill, Tracey, and other such characters cursing... But it's also not very mature of me to write such things. SOOOOOoooo... I'm going to try to be a bit more responsible in my writings from now on... Though this story doesn't count. It's just too much fun to watch a swearing pikachu ^_^; But in my OTHER stories and comics, there'll be less bad stuff. I promise! ... I hope... --Dr. X  
  
--------------  
  
Pokémon Alpha  
  
by the Mysterious Dr. X  
  
episode nine  
  
Animal Cruelty and Other Fun Family Activities  
  
-=Our episode begins today with all of Brock's family (including Tracey, Ash, Misty, and Roadkill) at breakfast. The camera pans across the table a bit to see everyone, then we see Ash eating cereal and staring threateningly at someone, but we can't see who it is=-  
  
Narrator: If you recall, Ash was invited to stay at Brock's house for the night, whereupon he met Brock's roommate and former college friend Tracey... who was none-too-happy about there being even more people to stay at the house. Of course, the subject WAS brought up that he himself was a freeloader, but Tracey's a jerk and doesn't care. And now we join our heroes at breakfast, where it looks like an argument is about to arise!  
  
Ash: -=narrows his eyes=- Think you can outsmart me, eh? Well think again, you 100% recyclable BASTARD!!! -=the camera pulls back to show us that he's yelling at a cereal box. He starts whapping the top of the box with his cereal spoon=- "Find 8 hidden Honeycombs in this picture," my BUTT!!! You call yourself the KING OF THE JUNGLE???  
  
-=Brock looks up from his breakfast and raises an eyebrow at Ash=-  
  
Brock: Uhhh...  
  
-=Brock's point-of-view shifts to Misty for a moment, who just shakes her head warningly. Brock shuts up=-  
  
Roadkill: [Just let it take it's course...] -=Ash stops glaring at the box, then goes back to eating=- [There we go...]  
  
-=Now the camera moves a bit to the OTHER side of the box, where...=-  
  
Tracey: -=staring at the box, then punches it so it falls over=- Heheh... stupid box...  
  
Brock: -=shakes his head, then points to Ash=- Hey, Ash... You wanna' pass the milk?  
  
-=Ash hops up frantically. Everyone looks at him with bored looks on their faces=-  
  
Ash: WHO TOLD YOU THAT? LIES! All such dirty... filthy... STINKING LIES!!! -=wriggles his fingers dramatically as he squints his left eye=- Well you're not getting any secrets from me, Madame X! It's off to the HOOS-COW with me! -=screams and puts his hands over his head, then starts crying=- SHUT UP! EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP!!! -=runs out of the house, screaming his head off=-  
  
Brock: -=after a very, VERY long pause in which everyone just watches Ash run off=- ... Pass the milk, Billy... -=the hand of one of Brock's little brothers pushes a milk carton at him=-  
  
-=Now we're given an arial view of Pewter City as Ash flails down the streets, ranting and raving=-  
  
Narrator: ... Oh... Goodness... -=snicker=- WOW! This is pretty funny stuff...  
  
Ash: -=his voice echoes through the streets=- FINLAND!!!  
  
-=Now we see a little area that looks like it might be part of a little park or something. Jessie is standing there looking really cheezed-off and really stupid. Ash stomps in=-  
  
Ash: -=mopey=- Hi, Jessie.  
  
Jessie: -=mopey=- Hi, Ash.  
  
Ash: Are you mad, too?  
  
Jessie: Yup.  
  
Ash: Howcome?  
  
Jessie: 'Cuz James and Meowth are too busy arguing and they won't pay attention to me...  
  
-=we now see James and Meowth screaming at each other=-  
  
James: Cherry!  
  
Meowth: Strawberry!  
  
James: CHERRY!!!  
  
Meowth: STRAWBERRY!!!  
  
James: -=sigh=- Look, why don't we ask a neutral third party?  
  
Meowth: Woiks fer me...  
  
-=they walk up to a random guy in the street=-  
  
Meowth: Hey, Mac! What's yer fav'rit flava' of Pop-Tart?  
  
-=The guy doesn't even turn to look at them. He just pulls out a gun and clicks it at them. Now back to Ash and Jessie=-  
  
Jessie: -=over a gunshot=- What are you mad about?  
  
Ash: -=even angrier now=- I can't remember!  
  
Jessie: -=suddenly in a good mood=- Hey! You want me to help you beat Brock?  
  
Ash: Umm... Okay! But aren't you supposed to... I dunno... Try to steal Roadkill and not want me to win?  
  
Jessie: -=shrugs=- I guess, but I'm bored and I want something fun to do...  
  
Ash: KAY!  
  
-=Roadkill scampers into the scene=-  
  
Roadkill: Pika pikachu. Pika. Chu pikacha chupika. [Hey Ash! I came to tell you you're a big dope and everyone's laughing at you back at Brock's place...]  
  
Ash: -=squeals with joy=- Roadkill! You want to fight against Brock's pokémon again, and win this time, right?  
  
Roadkill: Chu pika. [Not necessarily.] Pikachu pika. Pikacha cha ku pikachu cha. [Also, Brock called your grandfather and told him what an idiot you made of yourself... and your grampa' and mom started laughing at you... and then Gary called and he started making fun of you... Good times, man... Good times...]  
  
Jessie: -=hugs Roadkill=- Awww! Roadkill, you're such a sweet pokémon to come and cheer Ash up like that!  
  
Roadkill: -=struggling helplessly with his face pressed against her chest=- PI!!! PIKACHU KA PIKA!!! [NO! I'M NOT!!! I HATE THAT KID!!! NOW LEMME' GO! I'M SUFFOCATIN'!!!]  
  
Ash: -=grabs Roadkill's tail and yanks him out of Jessie's arms. Roadkill dangles from Ash's hand, gasping for sweet life-giving air with X marks over his eyes=- Okay! -=goes wall-eyed=- Let's go train us up a pikachu!  
  
Jessie: -=throws her fists into the air, cheering happily=- Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge!!!  
  
-=Suddenly, we see an old building on the outskirts of town. A sign outside says "Conveniently abandoned hydro-electric plant." Ash's voice is heard=-  
  
Ash: So... Jess, you think we should give it another shot?  
  
Jessie: Yyyyyyeahhhh... It's worth a try...  
  
-=Now we see Roadkill, who's strapped to a big, electric... thing... He's flailing around helplessly (again) and shrieking like mad=-  
  
Roadkill: KA PICHU PIKACHU PIKA PIK-PIK-PIKA CHU PIKACHU CHAAAAAAAAA!!!! [YOU MANIACS!!! YOU CAN'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, YOU HEAR ME??? I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!! I SWEAR I'LL GET PETA ON YOUR ASSES SO FAST, IT WON'T EVEN BE FUNN-] -=Ash and Jessie flip some switches and Roadkill writhes around in agony, then flops to the ground as all the ropes holding him against the... thing... I dunno, generator, I guess... burn off=-  
  
Ash and Jessie: OooOOoOOh!!! COOL!!!  
  
Flint: -=pops up through an open window=- I see you are training for second battle with Brock, hmm?  
  
Ash: Huh? -=blinks=- Oh yeah!  
  
Jessie: We just started zapping Roadkill, and it was so fun, I guess we forgot about that!  
  
Roadkill: -=smoldering on the ground with one lone wire taped to his back=- chu... chu pika... chaaaa... [your deaths will be slow and painful...]  
  
Flint: ... -=blink=-  
  
Ash: So, Mr. Flint... You wanna' help me train Roadkill?  
  
Flint: -=shrugs=- Not rearry. I'm pranning on watching you fairl again... -=snicker=- It's pretty funny, actuarry...  
  
Ash: -=smiles stupidly=- OKAY!  
  
-=Roadkill hobbles up to Ash with an evil look on his face, holding a live wire and obviously intent on electrocuting the little idiot. Jessie pokes a button and the wire on Roadkill's back blasts him across the room=-  
  
Roadkill: piKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaAAAAaaaaaAAAA--!!!  
  
Jessie: -=giggles=- He so cyuuuuute!  
  
Narrator: Later an' stuff...  
  
-=Suddenly, the doors to Brock's gym are kicked open by Ash, who looks extremely insane=-  
  
Ash: IT'S SHOWDOWN TIME AT THE O-K CORRAL!!!  
  
-=Brock, Misty, and Tracey are all sitting there waiting for him=-  
  
Misty: 'Bout time you got here.  
  
Ash: Huh? Misty? Tracey? What are you guys doing here?  
  
Narrator: I told 'em you were going to try to fight Brock again today...  
  
Dexter: -=in Misty's lap=- We've been waitin' to watch you make an idiot of yourself again.  
  
Flint: -=pops up behind Ash=- I'm terlin' ya', it's funny stuff, kid!  
  
Ash: -=shrugs=- Whatever. Let's just get this episode over with. It's not very funny and I'm sure future plotlines will provide better quality jokes.  
  
Brock: -=nods=- Agreed. -=heaves a pokéball into the center of the gym=- Rocky! GO! -=Rocky pops back out and flexes his muscles as "Eye of the Tiger" starts to play=-  
  
Ash: Roadkill! Go!  
  
Roadkill: KaaAAaaaa... -=stomps into the center of the gym, looking homicidal with all his fur burnt to a crisp, his left eye blackened, and his right ear and tail twitching involuntarily=- ... Ka... KACHU! -=shakes his fists wildly at Rocky=- KACHU KA KA KA KACHU PIKA KACHU KA PIKA!!!!  
  
Brock: ... um... Okay, Rocky... Tackle...  
  
-=Rocky looks nervously at Roadkill, who's snarling and baring his fangs (note: pikachu don't have fangs. Roadkill does 'cuz he's mad. It's funny)=-  
  
Rocky: ... -=shrugs=- Geodude... -=dives to tackle Roadkill=-  
  
Roadkill: PIKACHU!!! -=yanks out a bucket of water and splashes Rocky with it. "Eye of the Tiger" instantly stops playing as we hear a record skip=-  
  
Ash: -=hopping up and down=- YEAH! WOOHOO! WAY TO GO, ROADIE!!!  
  
Tracey: yeah...  
  
Misty: -=twirls her finger around=- woohoo...  
  
Dexter: great...  
  
Narrator: big deal...  
  
Flint: Aw, come on an' ROOSE, why doncha'???  
  
Roadkill: -=glares daggers at Brock and points his finger dramatically at him=- PIKACHU CHA PIKA! PIKACHU CHU KA PIKACHU CHA!!!  
  
Brock: -=little pause=- ... I have no idea what you just said, but I don't like how you said it! GETTIM, CRUSHER!!!  
  
-=Another pokéball is thrown, releasing an onix... which is like a big, long, huge snake made outta' rocks. Don't ask me. Japanese cartoonists are weird=-  
  
Crusher: -=roars loud enough to make the floor shake=- GRRRRAAAAOOOOWWWNWIIXXXXXXX!!!  
  
Roadkill: PIKACHU PI-- -=his ranting comes to an end as Crusher whacks him with his tail, sending Roadkill flying into the wall, right next to the pikachu-crater from before=-  
  
Brock: Guess I win. -=everyone cheers. Ash hangs his head=-  
  
Ash: Awwwww... Now I'll never be a pokémon master...  
  
Flint: HAHA! -=poking Ash's head=- You are filled with shame, yes? I raugh at your unhappiness! HAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA!!! ... HAH!  
  
-=Roadkill's little hole in the wall is seen, smoking. It looks like the whole "Death of Superman" scene. Suddenly, Roadkill's paw rises up and grabs the side of the wall. Then he pops out with demonic fire in his eyes=-  
  
Roadkill: KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!  
  
-=Roadkill dives at Crusher, then suddenly we just see all the humans gasping in horror at whatever's going on. We're not allowed to see it, we just know that it's really awful. Before long, Crusher and Rocky are both unconscious and mangled on the floor while Roadkill huffs and wheezes while drooling viciously=-  
  
Roadkill: -=shakes his fists triumphantly=- PIKACHU CHA PIKACHUUUUUUUUUU??? [WHO ELSE WANTS SOME???]  
  
Ash: YAY! I WIN! -=gets zapped by Roadkill=- AWRK! -=falls over=-  
  
-=Yet one more scene change as we see Ash and Misty preparing to leave Pewter City. Ash has Roadkill in a straitjacket, strapped to his backpack. Roadkill is wriggling around, still proclaiming curses to everyone on the planet=-  
  
Ash: Alright, then! Dexter? -=pulls Dexter out of his pocket=- Where to next?  
  
Dexter: Cerulean City...  
  
Ash: Right! The Island of Misfit Toys! -=shuts Dexter off and returns him to his pocket=-  
  
Misty: ... Ash... Do you try to be a moron, or does it just come naturally?  
  
Ash: ... Hmmm... -=taps his chin thoughtfully=-  
  
Brock: WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!! -=Ash and Misty blink as Brock comes running up toward them=- Ash! You forgot to accept the Boulder Badge as proof that you beat me...  
  
Ash: BADGES? WE DON' NEED NO STEENKING BADGES!!! -=Misty punches him out=-  
  
Misty: Thanks, Brock. -=takes the badge from him=-  
  
Brock: No prob, Misty... -=sighs=- Man... You sure are lucky...  
  
Misty: -=looks down at the unconscious Ash=- Because I'm traveling with a psychotic maniac?  
  
Brock: No... Because you're actually getting to travel at all...  
  
Misty: Oh geeze, not this again...  
  
Brock: -=very wistful=- I wish I could go on a training journey... -=Misty is heard going "NO! Shut up! You say this every year!"=- ...But, unfortunately, ever since my mother died and my father mysteriously disappeared, I have no choice but to stay home and watch after my 23 brothers and sisters... -=gets a frustrated tone of voice=- and that deadbeat, Tracey...  
  
Tracey: -=pops up out of nowhere=- I HEARD THAT!  
  
Flint: -=runs down the path, crying, then hugs Brock tightly=- AWRIGHT, AWRIGHT!!! I'M SORRY!!!  
  
Misty and Tracey: YIKES!  
  
Brock: ... who are you and don't hug me.  
  
Flint: It's me, Brock! Your good-for-nothing father who just up and vanished for no reason at arl, but now I have seen the error of my ways and I will return to my rightfurl prace as leader of my famiry and gym!  
  
Brock: Oh okay. -=suddenly wearing a backpack=- Well, I guess I'll be going with Misty, then. See ya, Dad!  
  
-=Brock and Misty walk off, dragging Ash as usual. Tracey smiles and pats Flint's shoulder=-  
  
Tracey: Gee, that sure was mature of you to come back and accept your role as father, Mr. Flint.  
  
Flint: Shut up and go with Brock.  
  
Tracey: WHAT? WHY???  
  
Flint: Because, quite frankry, I just don't rike you. Now go and never darken my towerls again!  
  
-=Back to Misty and Brock=-  
  
Misty: Geeze, Brock... Do you have to do that bit with your dad every year?  
  
Brock: -=shrugs=- Yeah. I know it's kinda' dumb, but my dad insists upon it...  
  
Misty: -=looks at him=- You're kinda' dumb, Brock...  
  
Brock: -=whiney=- No, YOU'RE kinda' dumb!  
  
Misty: No YOU'RE kinda' dumb!  
  
Tracey: -=sulks as he walks up to them=- Hey, guys... Brock's old man told me to get lost 'cuz he doesn't like me...  
  
Brock: I don't blame him. None of us like you.  
  
Misty: Oh, great! So now I have to put up with YOU, TOO?  
  
Tracey: You could just go home, Misty...  
  
Misty: -=shakes her head=- Nah. I wanna' torment Ash for ruining my bike. Plus I'm supposed to portray a love/hate relationship with him in the story...  
  
Tracey: Owch. That's rough.  
  
Misty: yyyyyyep - -;   
  
-=And the scene fades as they walk off, Misty making sure to keep whapping Ash's head against rocks along the path. The camera irises open really quick to show one more scene, which features James and Meowth in the hospital and Jessie talking to them=-  
  
Meowth: Where'dja' go, anyway, Jess?  
  
Jessie: -=holding James' hand and running her fingers through his hair=- I went off with Ash to abuse his pikachu. But what happened to you guys, anyway?  
  
James: We asked some guy what his favorite kind of Pop-Tart was, so he shot us...  
  
Jessie: Man, you guys have all the fun...  
  
-=The Looney Tunes music plays and the camera irises out while "To Be Continued" is written across the screen, similar to the "That's All, Folks!" deal=-  
  
Narrator: END!  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
--------------  
  
The Last Word: I know this chapter sort of deteriorated near the end, but that's because the heat no longer works in my house, and my fingers were freezing too much to type much more, and I really wanted this chapter done today. There you go. Eat some lunch and tell someone you love them. You'll be glad you did. --Dr. X 


	11. Episode 10: Buggin' Out

Even I don't understand this episode, folks... --Dr. X  
  
--------------  
  
Pokémon Alpha  
  
by the Mysterious Dr. X  
  
episode ten  
  
Buggin' Out  
  
-=Surprise, surprise! Today's episode starts with Ash, Brock, Misty, Tracey, and Roadkill walking through the woods! Man, never a dull moment on this show, is there?=-  
  
Narrator: Previously on Pokémon Alpha; Thanks to an angst-ridden psychotic episode from Roadkill, Ash succeeded in earning the Boulder Badge in battle from Brock (Whew! Try saying that five times fast!). Also, Brock decided to travel with Ash and Misty to provide sage advice and try to keep Misty from murdering Ash. Tracey came along too because he's a worthless layabout and Brock's dad was sicka' lookin' at 'im... Now let's see what's goin' on, huh?  
  
-=Everyone has an extremely irritated look on their faces as we hear Tracey whining like a baby=-  
  
Tracey: EhhhHhHhHhHhhh... I don't like it out here! It's too hot and itchy and there's bugs biting me and I'm sweating and I'm missing "Bob the Builder" and...  
  
Ash: Is he always like that, Brock?  
  
Brock: Yeah... Unfortunately. -=shrugs=- What can I say? Tracey's an egotistical artist and he doesn't like to go outside very much...  
  
-=A high-pitched shriek that sounds like it should be coming from a 7-year-old girl is coming from Tracey's manly throat=-  
  
Tracey: -=pointing up into the sky=- EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!! What is that? What the heck is that hot, yellow, blinding thing in the sky???  
  
Misty: That's the SUN, idiot!  
  
Tracey: -=snarls and cowers=- Ssss!!! Cursssed yellow face!!! It burnsss usss, it doesss! Ssssss...  
  
Roadkill: Pi pikachu? [Can I kill him, Ash?]  
  
Ash: Yeah, go ahead Road, I... -=squeal=- BUG!!!  
  
-=Tracey and Misty squeal and cling to each other=-  
  
Tracey and Misty: EEEEEEEEEK!!! WHERE? WHERE? KILLIT KILLIT KILLIT!!!  
  
-=Ash yanks Dexter out of his pocket and aims him at the little yellow, spiked caterpillar on the ground. Nothing happens=-  
  
Brock: ... -=taps Ash's shoulder and mumbles encouragingly=- Try turning it on...  
  
Ash: ... -=narrows his eyes slowly as a tea kettle is heard whistling. His eyes pop open as an eggtimer is heard dinging=- Oh right! -=He flips the power switch=-  
  
Dexter: -=demanding tone=- WHERE'S MY FOLGER'S???  
  
Ash: -=deep, gruff, Southern accent=- Tayll me whut that bug is or Ah kew yew!  
  
Dexter: That? It's a weedle. S'got poison stingers. Grows up into a beedrill. Now gimme my coffee... -=Ash shuts him off=- Oh god no! I'm crashing.... -=fades out=-  
  
Author: -=everyone looks around blankly as his voice is heard=- Ugh. Sorry, all. This isn't coming out very funny at all. I guess I'm just kind of tired and writing witty comedy is difficult when you're feeling worn out...  
  
Narrator: Why don't you go take a break to rest or get a snack and get back to writing later?  
  
Author: Good idea... I'll be back in a bit, everyone. Mill around as is your wont...  
  
-=Everyone kind of mutters to themselves as the Author walks off=-  
  
Brock: So um...  
  
Misty: -=cough=- Yeah...  
  
Roadkill: -=eats some sunflower seeds=-  
  
Tracey: So what now?  
  
Ash: Well I'm still gonna' get that weedle before it runs away! -=reaches into his backpack=- Dirty Bird! I choose--  
  
Misty: He'll only try to eat it!  
  
Ash: Oh, that's right... Um... Roadkill! Help m--  
  
Roadkill: -=flips Ash off=-  
  
Ash: -=groans=- FINE! Fossilized Frog Turd! -=throws a pokéball and metapod-Buttercup flops out=- GO!!! -=he then grabs Buttercup and juicily smashes the weedle over and over again. Weedle guts go everywhere=-  
  
-=Roadkill watches with sick amusement=-  
  
Ash: -=waving Buttercup triumphantly like a caveman with his club=- THERE! THAT'LL TEACH YA' NOT TA' GO 'ROUND TELLIN' EVERYONE ABOUT THE OMEGA CODE!!!  
  
Misty: Ugh... urp... -=throws up all over Tracey=-  
  
Tracey: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Now I'll actually have to wash my shirt! I was trying to go for a whole year without doing that! At this rate I'll never be a real self-respecting hippy artist!  
  
Brock: ... -=blink=- Ash, weren't you trying to capture that weedle?  
  
Ash: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB, HORACE? -=brandishes Buttercup in his face, left eye now replaced with a goofy red swirl=- Do I? DO I??? ANSWER ME, DAMN YOU!!!  
  
Brock: -=holds up his hands and smiles nervously=- Alright, alright... ^_^; Just put the weapon down, Tarzan! Me friend!  
  
Ash: Hmmm... -=looks at Roadkill while sticking out his bottom jaw=- What think you, loyal elephant companion Tantor?  
  
-=Roadkill grins diabolically and makes a cutting motion across his throat with his paw. Ash nods and grunts his approval. Before Ash can club Brock to death with his incapacitated pokémon, however, that familiar ol' themesong starts to play again=-  
  
Misty: -=still gagging a little, her back being patted by Tracey=- Oh... -=grk=- Oh no... -_-;  
  
Tracey: -=now wearing a clean shirt that looks like Charlie Brown's shirt=- Oh no what?  
  
Misty: -=whirls her arm around (smacking Tracey in the face) to point to the two figures now appearing in sillhouette nearby=- Oh no THAT...  
  
Jessie: -=flips out of the forest shadows and onto the ground by Ash=- PREPARE for TROUB--OOF! -=slips on the weedle ick and falls flat on her face=-  
  
James: Make that DOUB-EEK! -=follows suit. He and Jessie quickly sit up and look disgusted=- Ewww-hoo! I say, what is this stuff?  
  
Everyone Else: Weedle guts... -=they all shrug nonchalantly=-  
  
Jessie and James: EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!  
  
Jessie: -=whiney=- This is hardly lady-like!  
  
James: -=even moreso=- This will never come out in the wash!  
  
Meowth: -=hops in and lands on James' head=- 'Ey! What's wit'choo two? Yer s'posed ta' come out an' make us look scary! Not STOOPID! What's da' big idea o' slippin' all ova' da' place?  
  
Jessie: -=folds her arms and speaks haughtily=- YOU try maintaining your composure while standing in a puddle of giant worm ooze... -=James nods defiantly, his tongue hanging out=-  
  
Misty: Ugh... -=rubs her stomach and turns green=- That's so gross...  
  
Brock: -=double-blinks=- Who the heck are you guys?  
  
James: -=hoity-toity=- We're the infamous Team Rocket! -=slips and falls over again=- OOH!  
  
Tracey: -=screams like a girl (AGAIN!) and clings to Brock=- SERIOUSLY??? You're really members of that gang???  
  
-=Jessie and Brock are heard speaking at the same time=-  
  
Jessie: Why else do you think we're wearing the "R" vests, bozo?  
  
Brock: Tracey, I'm giving you 'till the count of three to get off my back...  
  
Ash: ^_^ They're not bad guys! They'z our friends! -=goes crazy all over again=- @^#$ YOU, TEAM ROCKET! AH'MO KEW YEW UP GOOD!!!  
  
Misty: -=sighs=- Don't worry about these guys. They're losers...  
  
Roadkill: -_-; Chipu chapichu...  
  
-=Jessie, James, and Meowth whine and flail their arms around=-  
  
Team Rocket: Hey! C'mon! We're bad guys! We're mean! C'mon! Fear us and stuff!!!  
  
Author: Dum-de-dum... Hi-ho, everyone! -=everyone stares blankly again=- I'm back! I got a big glass of Dr. Pepper and now I'm feeling all hyper again, so... HOLY FISH-PASTE!!! What in the name of all seven Chaos Emeralds happened here?   
  
Narrator: -=sounding like a tattletail kid=- Well, well... ASH... He said he was gonna' catch a weedle, but he actually killed it... And he got its bits all over the place... And it was really gross... And Misty threw up on Tracey... (and that part was actually kind of funny)... But it was still really nasty!!!  
  
Author: Ashton Jeremiah Ketchum!!! I leave you alone for a few minutes and THIS is what happens? I'm ashamed in you!  
  
Ash: -=waves his hand at him=- Aaaaahhhh... Yer momma' smokes pretzel sticks!  
  
Author: WELL! I NEVER!  
  
Meowth: Well ya' should! It's fun!  
  
-=Roadkill appears at a drumset and plays a rimshot=-  
  
Author: Ash, I've had enough of this bad attitude of yours! -=the sound of his fingers snapping is heard=- Let this be a lesson to you!  
  
-=An innumerable swarm of giant, man-eating bees instantly appears=-  
  
Author: Attack, my beedrills! ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!  
  
-=Everyone watches in shock as the bugs zoom toward Ash. Ash stands there looking very vacant. Suddenly...=-  
  
Ash: Hey, look! -=bends down and the bees go right past him, then pick up Jessie, James, and Meowth and fly off with them=-  
  
Team Rocket: LOOKS LIKE TEAM ROCKET'S BLASTING OFF AGAI... or, well, um... BUZZING OFF... er... YOU GET THE IDEAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa...  
  
Author: ...whoops...  
  
Ash: -=pops back up, holding a penny=- ^_^ See a penny, pick it up; and all the day you'll have good luck!  
  
Brock: -=blinks=- Wow... Hey what are those beedrill gonna' do anyway?  
  
Narrator: Oh... Probably eat 'em...  
  
Tracey: -=terrified=- WHAT??? YOU MEAN YOU ACTUALLY TURNED A SWARM OF MAN-EATING INSECTS ON US?  
  
Author: Not all of you, but... yeah, pretty much... In retrospect, I guess it WAS kind of childish of me...  
  
Misty: -=enraged that the bugs aren't going to eat Ash now=- ASH, YOU LITTLE MORON!!! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BEND DOWN JUST THEN???  
  
Ash: -=points to the penny, looking very big-eyed and pathetic, his voice quivers=- Penny...  
  
Author: Hmm... Looks like you guys are gonna' have to go save Team Rocket before they get eaten. Well, it ain't my problem. See ya! -=leaves again=-  
  
Brock: -=folds his arms and sighs, looking rather put off=- Huh... I guess he's right. Gang, we'd better go save Team Rocket...  
  
-=Misty and Roadkill laugh derisively=-  
  
Tracey: They're insidious mobsters, Brock! Why do we wanna' save THEM???  
  
Brock: -=sighs with frustration=- Because it's the right thing to do... Besides, did you see that "Jessie" girl? -=blushes as heart bubbles appear around his head=- Hubba-hubba!  
  
Roadkill: -=rolls his eyes=- [%#$@ off, Squinty...]  
  
Misty: I say we just go on our way. At least they're out of our hair now...  
  
Ash: NO!!! -=shoves Brock out of the way and poses heroically=- We shall go and find Team Rocket!!!  
  
Brock: -=stands up and brushes himself off, smiling=- Wow, Ash! I didn't expect a comment like that from you!  
  
Ash: -=grins=- I wanna' watch 'em get EATEN!!! -=drools and giggles evilly=-  
  
Brock: ... ewghh...  
  
-=Now, for absolutely no reason, we get a commercial break, but not before we get the classic...=-  
  
Voices: WHO'S THAT POKéMON???  
  
-=A silhouette appears on the screen. It finally materializes as some really ugly fat guy smoking a huge cigar=-  
  
Voices: IT'S CREEPY UNCLE RON!!!  
  
Ron: -=belches loudly=- Hey, kid. Pull my finger...  
  
-=Now the commercial. Mr. T is seen driving his 1982 custom GMC van down the road. Along the way, he is running through convenient piles of empty boxes, explosives, and running over pedestrians=-  
  
Mr. T: -=looks at the screen as a particularly ugly old lady goes flying by the window shrieking=- Hey, kids! Do you know me? O' course you do! That's 'cuz Ah'm famous! An' Ah'm drivin' ta' mah youth centa' ta' have the most important meal of da' day!  
  
-=The van crashes into the side of the youth center, maiming several children, and Mr. T walks into the youth center as all the kids cheer=-  
  
Mr. T: HEY, KIDS!!!   
  
Kids: HI, MR. T!!!  
  
Mr. T: Ready for breakfast?  
  
Kids: YEAHHHHHH!!!  
  
-=Boxes of Mr. T cereal apparate at a table and Mr. T grabs a bowl=-  
  
Mr. T: Ah pity da' foo' who don't eat mah cereal! EAT UP, KIDS! OR AH THROW YOU!!!  
  
-=The kids eat huge bowls of Mr. T cereal, then the Popeye music plays as they all get huge muscles like Mr. T, then run around throwing people who don't eat the cereal=-  
  
Little Girl: Ah pity da' foo' who don't eat Mr. T cereal!  
  
Bill Gates: -=flying away=- I regret nothing!!!  
  
Little Boy: Ah pity da' foo' who don't eat Mr. T cereal!  
  
Christina Aguilera: -=flying away=- I'm just a random celebrity!!!  
  
Little Hermaphrodite: Ah pity da' foo' who don't eat Mr. T cereal!  
  
Matt Caracappa: -=flying away=- But I DO eat Mr. T cereal!!!  
  
Mr. T: -=standing with all the beefed-up kids=- Mr. T cereal will make you big and strong like me! So eat it... OR AH THROW YOU!!! -=points at the screen and screams=- DRINK YO' MILK!  
  
Kids: -=all saying random phrases at once=- Eat yo' greens! Brush yo' teeth! Don't do drugs! Respect yo' momma! Get eight hours o' sleep! Stay in school!  
  
-=Now back to the show=-  
  
Narrator: -=screams=- Please stop the insanity! I'm haemorrhaging!!!  
  
-=We see Team Rocket all tied up against a tree and crying with beedrill surrounding them. (For reference, Jessie is on the left, James is in the middle, and Meowth is on the right. Yeah. It's a big tree.) One beedrill in particular is wearing an apron and chef's hat and holding a cook book. A few beedrill walk up to him=-  
  
Bee 1: So, Lance, how we cookin' these ones?  
  
Cook: -=Canadian accent=- Hey, yeah, well, I thought I'd try a nice sautee there, eh...  
  
Bee 2: Sautee? Awww... c'monnn... I want human burgers!  
  
Bee 3: -=very fey-sounding and batting his wrist=- Oh, you alwaysth want burgersth! Can't we ever have sthomething nice? Like maybe a quiche?  
  
Meowth: -=sighs=- Well, kids... I neva' t'ought it would end dis way...  
  
Jessie: -=voice quivering as her eyes water=- I know what you mean... I always kind of hoped we'd all die together from some kind of freak accident with a microwave and non-dairy creamer...  
  
James: -=sobbing hysterically=- I don't wanna' die! I don't wanna' die! I'm only 19 years old! I've never even known the love of a woman!  
  
Jessie: -=sniffle=- James... Th-there's something... I've wanted to tell you for a long time...  
  
James: -=whimper=- Y-yes, Jessie...?  
  
Meowth: -_-; Oh god...  
  
Jessie: Yes, James... You see, I... I l-... I l-lo... -=James' eyes become huge, watery emerald spheres as Jessie bursts into tears=- I LOST YOUR LUCKY PENCIL BACK WHEN WE WERE IN 5TH GRADE!!!  
  
James: ... -=blinks=- Huh?  
  
Jessie: -=stops crying instantly and talks normal=- Y'know... When your pencil was missing and I said that obnoxious Butch kid stole it... Yeah, I lost it. Sorry about that...  
  
James: Oh okay... -=they both start sniffling again=- You know... There's something I need to tell you too... -=takes a deep breath, shivers, and blushes all at once=- I... -=takes another deep breath, closes his eyes tightly and screams=- I LOVE YOU!!!  
  
Meowth: -=his little green eyes bug open wide=- James! I didn't know you cared!  
  
James: I'm talking about Jessie you little fur-ball!  
  
Meowth: Oh...  
  
Jessie: -=turns her head as best she can to look at James, blue eyes reddened, tears running down her cheeks=- James...   
  
James: -=ditto=- Jessie...  
  
Jessie: -=sobbing AGAIN=- I LOVE YOU TOO, JAMES!!!  
  
James: -=cries=- You're everything I live for, Jessica!  
  
Meowth: -=whimpers, then bursts into tears=- AW FOR THE LUVVA' MIKE!!! I LUV YOU KIDS!!! AWWWW, IF ONLY MY ADORABLE LI'L PAWS WERE FREE, I'D GIVE YA' A GREAT BIG HUG! -=mutters=- and den probably toddle off scott-free while you'z gets eaten... BUT, GOSH-DARN IT, YOUZ KIDS IS LIKE MY BRUDDA' AND SISTA' TA' ME!!!  
  
Team Rocket: I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!  
  
Lance the Cook: -=turns around and points a butcher knife at them=- Ah, okay, so uh... Which one o' you guys wants ta'... y'know, like... Get cooked first, eh?  
  
Team Rocket: -=pointing their feet at each other=- They do!  
  
-=Lance advances on the three of them, looking very menacing with his large sharp object... eeeew... I don't like sharp things. They give me the heeby-jeebies!=-  
  
Meowth: -=his eyes are all you can really see as the shadow falls over him=- Is dis da' end o' Team Rocket?  
  
Voice: NOT SO FAST, ADMIRAL PENNYWHISTLE!!! -=a small piece of copper comes flying into the scene and hits Lance the Cook in the eye=-  
  
Lance: AWRRRRRRRGK!!! I, LIKE, CAN'T SEE NO MORE!!! HOW'M I GONNA' WATCH "THE KIDS IN THE HALL" NOW, EH?  
  
Ash: -=bursts into the clearing, right hand outstretched, as his friends also enter and start kicking beedrill butt like it's some kinda' action movie=- WELL DONE, FAITHFUL PENNY! NOW RETURN TO ME!!!  
  
Lance: -=stumbles around, clutching his eyes=- AAAAAAAGH!!! MY EYES! MY OCULAR ORGANS, EH! -=falls over in pain=-  
  
Ash: -=blinks, still holding out his hand=- That's okay, take your time...  
  
Jessie: -=blinks in shock=- What the--!?  
  
Meowth: You guys actually came ta' save us???  
  
James: -=squeals with delight=- My heroes!!!  
  
Brock: -=turns around after punching out a beedrill and smiles handsomely, sparkling a little=- Hey... No one gets eaten by giant, horrific mutant insects while Brock Lee is around!  
  
Jessie: -=gets big, starry eyes=- OoOOooooOOoh!!! -=James snarls just like a dog=-  
  
-=We now see a tall, old-looking bee in a long robe standing beside what looks to be an EXTEREMELY fat bee, but we can't be sure because there's very little of it to be seen. He waves his feelers and claws around at some bees standing in front of him holding spears, bows, etc=-  
  
Geezer Bee: Guards! Quickly! You must destroy the intruders before they can attack the queen!  
  
Moe the Guard: -=salutes and speaks in a nasal voice=- Yeah, sure, no problem, your Royal Advisor-ness!  
  
Larry the Guard: -=salutes and speaks in a slow, stuffy-nose voice=- We'll make mincemeat outta' dose palookas!  
  
Curley the Guard: -=salutes and speaks in a high voice=- Nyeah! Soitanly! Dey won't know what hittem! Nyuk nyuk!  
  
-=Now an innumerable amount of guards comes flying at our heroes. Of course, the good guys all pummel them ala action movie style. Roadkill is zapping them, Brock is laying the karate smack-down on them, and Misty is using a squealing Tracey as a battleclub=-  
  
Misty: Take this! -=Tracey: EEE!!!=- And that! -=Tracey: OOH!!!=- And summa' these!!! -=Tracey: I'm DYYYYYYIN'!!!=-  
  
Brock: -=grabs Curley and flips him over his back (Curley: WOOP-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOOOP!)=- Hey, Roadkill. Think you can hold off these clowns while I save the Rockets?  
  
Roadkill: -=blasting bugs left and right=- [Who yo' daddy? Ah said... WHO yo' daddy? WHO YO' @%#$ING DADDY, #@%$ IT???]  
  
Brock: ... I'll take that as a yes... Okay... -=quickly begins untying TR=-  
  
Meowth: Hey, t'anks dere, kid! Y'know, I hate ta' distract youz while ya' woikin, but...  
  
James and Jessie: LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!!!  
  
Brock: Wha? -=turns around just in time to see a particularly strong-looking beedrill about to shove a spear through his head... and screams his little squinty head off=- AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! MOMMY! MOMMY!! NO, I DON'T WANNA' DIE, MOMMY!!! -=something large and green crashes into the bug's head and he collapses to the ground. Brock makes a Homer Simpson "huh?" noise=-  
  
Ash: -=smiles, holding Buttercup=- ^_^ Hey, I'm really starting to like this frog turd thing! -=a little crack starts to run along the shell=- HEY! WHAT GIVES??? IT'S BREAKING? WHAT A RIPOFF!!!  
  
Brock: -=smiles as a beautiful royal purple and blue butterfly emerges from the cocoon=- Ash! Your metapod has grown into a butterfree! This is wonderful!  
  
Ash: -=upset=- Big deal...  
  
Brock: YEAH, it's a big deal! Ash, your butterfree may have abilities that could help us win this battle!  
  
Ash: ALRIGHT! ^_^ With Buttercup's help, nothing can stop us now!  
  
-=everything starts spinning around with Roadkill's surly face flying toward us ala the old Batman scene transition bit. Suddenly we see Team Rocket AND our heroes all tied up to the tree=-  
  
Roadkill: -=snarls at Buttercup=- [I hate you, you stupid bug...]  
  
Buttercup: Fweee?  
  
Royal Advisor Bee: -=marches up to the hostages and throws his claws out wide=- Impudent fools! How dare you attempt to thwart the awesome power of the Oogum-Boogum Beedrill Tribe?  
  
Ash: I dare because I care!  
  
Misty: -=snarls=- If only I could hit him right now... -=Jessie kicks Ash=-  
  
Ash: OW!  
  
Misty: Thank you! ^_^  
  
Royal Advisor: Now, victims... You shall be devoured by... THE QUEEN BEE!!!  
  
-=All of the bees start clapping and stomping in a determined rhythm and they begin chanting as the fat bee lurches forward=-  
  
Advisor: ~ya' got mud on yo' face ya' big disgrace... kickin' yo' can all ova' da' place...~  
  
Other Bees: WEEEE WILL... WEEEE WILL... ROCK YOU!!! HUGH! ROCK YOU!!!  
  
-=Then... IT STEPS IN!=-  
  
Queen Bee: -=obviously a bloated MALE bee in drag=- Mmm! Hel-LO, boysth! -=licks his lips=- mmMmMmm! Thesth little treatsth justht look deLISTHusth! -=our heroes scream in fear as the beast leans forward to eat them, but then...=-  
  
Voice: AH DON'T THINK SO, SUCKA'!!!  
  
-=The A-Team theme song now plays as a 1982 custom GMC van drives in and runs over all the bees except the Queen as a thunderous voice echoes forth from within the cavernous confines of the van=-  
  
Voice: MAH VAN IS FAST, FOO'S!!!   
  
-=...and guess who hops out=-  
  
Mr. T: AH PITY DA' POOR CROSS-DRESSIN' FOO' THAT TRIES TA' EAT KIDS WHILE MISTA' T IS AROUN'!!! -=points at the Queen Bee=- BEE! AH'MO THROW YOU!!! SAY HELLO TO CHRISTINA AGUILERA, FOO'!!!  
  
Queen Bee: -=being thrown all the way to Spiceworld=- CURSTHE YOU, MISTER T...!!!  
  
-=The Batman bit happens again only now with a huge gold T. Mr. T is now standing with all of our heroes and grinning=-  
  
EVERYONE!: -=in unison=- Wow, Mr. T! You're helluva tough!  
  
Mr. T: And don't you forget it! As Ah said befo', Ah pity da' foo' what tries eatin' kids on mah watch! -=points to the screen=- Now rememba', kids! Stay in milk! Brush yo' school! Don't do sleep! Drink yo' teeth! Eat yo' momma'! Respect yo' greens! And get eight hours o' drugs!  
  
Narrator: AH PITY DA' FOO' WHAT DON'T WATCH THE NEXT POKéMON ALPHA!  
  
-=fade to black=-  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
Mr. T: END, FOO'!!!  
  
Narrator: "Pokémon Alpha" is brought to you by...  
  
-=shot of a huge box of Mr. T cereal=-  
  
Mr. T's voice: AH MADE IT... YOU EAT IT!!! 


End file.
